A few years ago, I was speaking to a mom and dad about their 17 year-old teenage son. They were concerned about his grades, his unkept room, him staying up gaming until 2am in the morning, and then being late for school almost every day because they could not get him out of bed. The mom (not the dad) also mentioned the blatant disrespect their son was showing to them. This kid was given a car and regularly given money by his parents, and he did not have a job. The dad said, “My father was harsh, demeaning and controlling. We feel its best just to let our son find his own way.” (I got the distinct feeling that his wife did not agree with him on that approach.)
Unrestrained anger as a parent is never good and trying to “control” a teenager is a difficult proposition. Whether or not this father was correct in his approach is not the purpose of me sharing his words. My point is that many of us dads are motivated by other factors than what our kids actually need. We bring with us into fathering our own pleasurable or painful experiences and may inappropriately apply them to our parenting without any thought of why we’re doing it.
I think there were all kinds of options open to these frustrated parents in helping their 17 year old. But this father had predetermined to remove from his choices the option of holding his son accountable. The exact thing this boy needed. Why did he withhold? Likely because of fear: fear of confrontation or fear of being rejected by his son... or, as it seems to me, fear within this man that he would even remotely resemble his own father. In truth, his actions as a dad were not really about what was best for his son. They were about this man’s relationship to his own father. He had chosen that he would never responsibly apply a reasonable practice with his children because his father had misapplied it in an irresponsible and unreasonable way. The pendulum had swung too far the other direction.
As Yogi Berra rightly said, “Wherever you go, there you are.” In application to fatherhood, we tend to behave toward our children not as we should, but as we are. Courageous dads (father-friends) bring to their consciousness not only the way they tend to respond to their children, but also an understanding of why they tend to respond as they do. They are in touch with what motivates them from their past, and find the strength to rise above those predispositions to give to their kids what they need in the moment.
Some of us are very comfortable with confrontation and we can easily “tee it up” with our kids (and just about anyone else). However, we might not be comfortable at expressing gentleness and compassion, or having difficult conversations in calm ways. Other dads are naturally supportive and gentle, but not so good with discipline and holding their kids accountable. The call is for personal change to both sets of fathers. To be a father-friend, we must learn to give to our kids that which might be outside of who we naturally are. But for the sake of our children, we must find the courage to give it.
TRUTH: The overriding question for every action a father-friend should take is, “Out of love for my children, what do they need?” Then, be willing to give it.
I’m asking you, as you child’s father-friend, to give your kids what they need, not what you’re comfortable giving and not always what your child wants. This takes courage and many times deep, personal change. Sometimes as dads we need to confront and correct our children, but at other times we need to comfort and console them. At times we need to show them and tell them what to do. At other times we need watch them do it and listen to them. At times we need to discipline them and at other times we need to allow the natural consequences of their own actions to provide discipline. At times we need to apply redeeming forms of punishment. At other times we need to redeem them by exercising grace. And yet still, there will be times when we need to express a combination of seemingly opposite actions all in the same fathering moment (for example, both confronting and comforting when we discipline).
This is love: giving to others what they need when they need it. So, a father-friend’s conduct toward his children includes a broad range of actions— all of them, even seemingly harsh ones, are right when given from this loving motivation. This is the love that should fuel your fathering and help you determine your conduct toward your children in any given moment of the journey.
Let me remind you of what defines a father-friend: A father-friend is a dad who leads his children responsibly and relationally, and whose every action is motivated by courageous love for his kids.
After all— It’s easy to be a father-only dad. It’s also easy to be a friend-only dad. But, it takes personal courage to be a father-friend.
Let me address one more statement that I hear from a few fathers: “The job of comforting my children is their mother’s not mine.” That statement is more honestly an excuse for a dad who is unwilling to grow. Our kids need to see their father’s leadership over them in terms of both directing them responsibly and engaging them relationally. While the partnership between a husband and wife for raising children is vital, our kids need both sets of the father-friend behaviors from their dad, not one from you and one from their mother.
As a Father-Friend, a dad strives to be approachable, supportive, and empathetic. This relationship encourages the child to see their father as more than an authority figure, but also as a confidant and companion. The term implies a balance between maintaining a sense of authority and guidance while also being a reliable and understanding advocate to the child.
It involves expressing leadership, directing and guiding, but also fostering a strong emotional bond, open communication, and mutual understanding. Being a Father-Friend involves spending quality time together, participating in shared activities, and creating an environment where the child feels comfortable expressing thoughts and feelings. This approach to fatherhood aims to build a foundation of trust and connection that lasts beyond childhood, influencing the child's development and the overall quality of the parent-child relationship.
That’s it. While simple, it’s not easy... and while not easy, it’s absolutely possible!
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