by Amy Ayers, LPC
During the first 5 years of life, before your child even enters school, their foundation of identity, behavior and beliefs about life is being formed. It’s during these formative years when a child learns about love, safety and belonging. In the ideal family, a child will witness and come to know the healthy side to all these topics; unfortunately in the non-ideal family, the opposite can be the child’s reality. Author T.F. Hodge intuitively states, “What surrounds us is what is within us.” A child is completely dependent on what his/her family environment provides. As father, you are the primary architect in the formation of your child’s sense of self, which is significantly impacted by your own self-awareness.
Self-awareness is understanding what makes you uniquely YOU. How you see yourself is primarily based on what you’ve experienced and the narrative you’ve told yourself about that experience: this is your perspective. We all have differing perspectives. In fact, no two people will share perspectives that are exactly alike, not even identical twins.
Imagine a few years ago (pre-COVID) when friends and family could go to the hospital nursery and see all the newborn babies. In looking at all these precious babies, not one of them have any more or less value or worth than the one in the neighboring bassinet. Now, picture these babies coming back to the nursery 25 years from their births to talk about what life has been like over the past 2.5 decades. How is it some of those now young adults believe they aren’t safe or enough, that they aren’t lovable or worth the space they take up while others believe they are secure, known and have a lot to offer in relationships? In response to the age-old debate of nature versus nurture, the answer is BOTH. Your experiences and family of origin AND genetics have monumental impacts in the development of one’s identity. For the purpose of this article and to highlight the aspect we have significant influence over as parents, let’s focus on environment.
Who we believe we are and what value we hold as a human being, originates in our early childhood experiences and translate into the formation of our core beliefs. These core beliefs essentially control the direction of our lives. People do what they do because of who they believe they are. As a father, your role is to establish such the environment that your children fly from the nest at 18, knowing who they are, what their value is, and are able to live the life they were created to live.
So, how do you give your child the best opportunity to develop a healthy, true sense of self? As a father, how you view yourself is how you will tend to see your child. If you believe you are not good enough, lovable, worthy, you will view your child through that lens as well. If you’ve grown to believe that your value is in the work you perform, you might push your child to find value in what he/she can DO instead of who he/she IS. You might be unintentionally raising a productive human “DO-er” instead of a loving, compassionate human “BE-ing”. If you were raised having to earn your parent’s attention by being perfect, you could be raising a child who is more focused on being noticed by you than following their heart and living their passion. Being aware of what you believe about yourself is invaluable in being a father who is authentic, honorable and compassionate and provides the best possible environment for your child to enter his/her world with a strong sense of identity.
Here are three things for you to ask, consider and explore about yourself that will help you understand yourself better, and ultimately empower your children to fully know themselves:
1. What are my core beliefs? Identify what you believe about yourself and where you find your value.
Am I enough or do I have to earn approval from others? Am I lovable or do I have to change who I am to gain acceptance? Do I have to be successful to be honored by others? Do I deserve to be punished for past mistakes? Is my worth dependent on what I can provide for others or is simply being who God created me to be enough? Is the world safe?
2. Where did these identified core beliefs come from? These beliefs about yourself are not necessarily actual statements you heard from your parents. A father may not outright state, “you are worthless”, but if the child FEELS this, that is their reality. It’s the child’s interpretation that creates the perspective of their experience.
Did I get dad’s attention only when I excelled at my sport? Did I feel disapproval from mom when my grades were anything less than As? When I told my parents about an accomplishment, were they excited or did they suggest ways I could improve for next time? Did I worry about finances because dad couldn’t keep a job? Was mom emotionally unavailable because she was dealing with her own mental illness? Did I feel safe and secure? Did I feel liked or loved, tolerated or treasured?
3. Are these core beliefs serving me today? Do some of them need to be corrected? Your negative core beliefs most likely are not serving you today. In fact, they are keeping you stuck in repeating patterns of self-sabotage and immobilizing shame spirals that are inhibiting you from becoming the father you were created to be. The goal here is to correct the negative core beliefs and align them with what is true.
What do I want to believe about myself or who does God say I am? Imagine your child holding the same beliefs about themselves as you do about yourself. If you get a visceral reaction to that thought, that is a core belief that most likely needs to be challenged and changed. The goal is to move from questioning whether you are safe, loved, enough, etc. to KNOWING you are safe, loved and enough. A child who leaves childhood questioning any portion of their identity is catapulted on a seemingly elusive, lifelong quest to find significance.
Your awareness of what makes you the man you are plays a paramount role in the development of your child. Knowing what drives your behaviors and why you do what you do gives you invaluable insight into cultivating a safe, secure, and consistent environment in which your children will thrive. Correcting negative core beliefs you’ve unknowingly held onto is one of the best legacies you can pass on to your children. You can help write your child’s story of who he believes he is: secure, confident and unconditionally loved.
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