I’m sure you’ve had experiences when one of your children was upset being frustrated, crying, yelling, sad, angry, or afraid... and they seemed inconsolable. We had a nickname for that kind of episode offered by our oldest son. Speaking of his little sister, one time he said, “Dad, Kaley’s having a meltdown!” The term stuck.
At the time of a meltdown, your goal is to respond maturely and simply calm your child and the situation down. But, maybe you happened to be in the middle of stress yourself— like at the end of a challenging work day and were feeling overwhelmed or fatigued? Maybe you were going through a personal disappointment or hurt? Or, you were hurried and trying to get something done or go somewhere? In that instant, maybe you yourself became frustrated and lacked patience with your child? Regrettably, I’ve had a few responses to meltdowns that were not-so-gentle or mature.
In my experience of coaching dads, I’ve found that most dads live with a tension between seeking to lead their kids (instructing, directing, correcting) and displaying love and support (comforting, listening, affirming). There are times when clearly we need a more empathetic approach with our kids where we as dads need to identify with their needs and see things from their perspective. This then leads to a response of understanding, supporting, and validating what they’re experiencing.
Children need empathy from their fathers in moments like this. This isn’t about coddling them; it’s about guiding them through their toughest experiences. Kids receive empathy when they are:
• Heard
• Understood
• Validated (in their feelings)
• Accepted
Every reputable parenting expert emphasizes the importance of empathy. Dr. John Gottman, a leading parenting researcher, explained in his book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child:
“In my research, I discovered that love by itself wasn’t enough. Very concerned, warm, and involved parents often have attitudes toward their children’s emotions that got in the way of them being able to talk to their children when they were sad or afraid or angry... The secret (to an emotionally intelligent child) rests in how parents interacted with their children when emotions ran hot.”
Empathy isn’t always necessary or helpful in every situation. The goal isn’t to weaken your child’s ability to deal with a harsh world, but to help them regain their balance when they are struggling. Empathy doesn’t excuse misbehavior, rudeness, or lack of effort. Alongside empathy, parenting experts also recommend setting clear rules and boundaries. In fact, showing empathy can help children return to following rules and expectations more quickly.
ROLES TO PLAY DURING MELTDOWNS
Here are 4 adaptive strategies that will help you manage meltdown moments and display empathy:
Remain Calm: While reinforcing the rule or boundary, see yourself as adaptive to what’s going on, standing outside of it rather than caught up in the urgency and emotion of the moment. Express a non-anxious presence with your child.
Become Curious: Steven Covey’s salient rule of leadership “seek first to understand, then be understood” is a perfect fit for dads in these kinds of stressful moments. Ask your child what’s going on. Inquire about the source of their negative emotion and seek to know what exactly happened and what they are feeling. Then, help them connect the dots to understand why they are feeling as they are— to ask questions more than tell or direct them.
Get Creative: Be creative in the solution you offer seeking to engage and involve your child in its resolution, rather than just “fixing things” for them. Do not be quick to remove the hardship from them, i.e. removing them from the situation causing distress. In fact, sometimes it would be best to allow your child to sit with their emotions and work through it with your help. This is where your next role in a crisis becomes important...
Connect with Your Inner Coach: Episodes like these are perfect opportunities for you to coach your kids in how to manage and express negative emotions and push through situations that don’t go their way. Remember, your kids are not fully developed and they do not possess "emotional muscle memory" when it comes to processing disappointing and frustrating situations, and managing negative emotions. Have patience with them for that. Picture yourself as a coach walking your child through each step of the process to teach them how to manage and resolve emotions: (1) responding calmly, (2) validating their feelings, (3) identifying the thought behind their feelings (is their emotional reaction based upon distorted thinking of some kind?), and (4) arriving at a chosen, preferred behavioral response to negative emotions and situations.
Calm, curious, creative and coach-like parenting is always ideal over rigid systems— especially in instances as described above. Even when discipline may result, approaching your child and the situation openly is best.
PRESENCE NOT ANSWERS
If your child falls down and skins their knee, in that moment the last thing they need is a chart and graph illustrating the reason why it occurred. They don’t need rationale, i.e. why it happened (at least not immediately). They need empathy from their father. They need to be held and understood. In moments of meltdown, try to be present with support and comfort more than with logic and critique. Hold and support first. Then try to lead them to lessons learned. Don't offer a lecture to your child who needs a hug.
EMPATHY DOESN’T MEAN GIVING IN
Empathizing with your child doesn’t mean giving in to their demands. Empathy isn’t about buying a toy for a screaming child; it’s about helping them cope with their emotions in a gentle and understanding way, especially when they don’t get what they want.
Empathy involves understanding and verbalizing what your child is feeling and thinking. It’s about using communication skills to help them work through their emotions.
When kids are upset, they often behave irrationally or inappropriately. Pointing this out is usually unhelpful while they’re still struggling to calm down. Empathy doesn’t mean everything your kids think, feel, or do is appropriate. It’s about validating their emotions to help them calm down, make sense of their feelings and think clearly. Training your child to manage a crisis, hurt or disappointment by navigating through their emotions is a gift that serves them their entire adult lives: through their personal struggles and pain, through challenges that will come with work, and through relational problems they will face.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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