I was conducting a parenting workshop and during a break one of the dads in attendance came up to me and asked if he could speak to me after the event. I told him I’d be happy to talk. His request seemed somber and serious. So, as the secure and self-confident person that I am (that’s sarcasm), I began replaying in my mind the things I had just said to the group hoping that I had not stated something that offended him and possibly others. The subject that night included the idea that the way we see our individual children determines our attitudes toward them and the way we treat them, and in turn, the way our kids see themselves. I call it our projected vision of our children. In time, kids pick up on these subconscious signals from parents, internalize our judgements of them, and may act out from them. Whether we actually speak these judgments to them or not, children begin to believe about themselves what we as parents believe about them.
After I finished teaching that night, some parents came up to thank me and ask a few quick questions. This particular father waited until the others were done and then approached. He was a dad of about 40 years old with a 14 year-old teenage daughter and two younger boys. Without any casual introduction, he bluntly said, “That’s me.” I replied, “What do you mean?” He said, “I just realized it. That parent you described tonight— that’s me.” I asked him to help me understand. This initiated a long and intensely personal explanation by this father.
He told me that he became deeply convicted during the session about the way he actually viewed his daughter. She was his oldest and at first, in her early childhood, she was the apple of his eye. He then described how over the years he began seeing her critically. He realized he had subconsciously set high expectations of her and how with passive-aggressive words (my label not his) he projected those demands upon her. He talked about how he was often frustrated when she didn’t meet his hopes and how her approach to things habitually irritated him (she obviously had a different personality than he did). He said, “It hit me hard while you were talking. I realized for the first time— “I don’t think I like my daughter. How could I feel that way about her?” He began to tear up.
He came to the profound realization that often eludes many fathers: children begin to internalize the qualities we ascribe to them as undeniable truths. They accept these underlying and often unspoken judgements we possess about them and act from feelings associated with those judgements. Some children withdraw into self-condemnation and insecurity. Others rebel in anger and become overtly or covertly defiant. Still others become driven to prove themselves as adequate through performance and perfectionism. The latter was true of this man’s daughter.
Of course, parental vision can be a positive force. Seeing your kid's positive qualities and believing the best about them in turn implants deep within them self-efficacy and self-love. Your vision of your child, must be authentic and go beyond flattery. Flattery puffs up kids; it doesn't build them up.
I then asked this father about his own upbringing. We talked briefly about the pain of his past relationship to his father and what the source of those condemning feelings toward his child might be. After some discussion, it became clear to me (and thankfully to this dad) that while he needed a major adjustment, this man deeply loved his little girl and in fact liked many things about her— that he even respected her for gifts she possessed that he didn’t, and at times felt softness in his heart for her. Yet, his overriding attitude and the thing that he conveyed to his child was the belief that she was “not enough”. He could see the impact of this verdict in her lack of confidence, her fear of failure illustrated by a drive toward perfectionism, and her detachment from him emotionally.
I’m happy to say he went home with a conviction to talk with his daughter, seek forgiveness from her and with God’s help, overcome his vision of her.
This kind of self-awareness is critical for father-friends. How do you see your children? Your vision of them is a powerful influence upon how they see themselves, and what they become. In fact, we shape our kids primarily by the way we see them.
Here are Four Ways to See Your Kids that Transform Their View of Self:
See your kids as lovable.
See your kids as worthy of your time and energy.
See your kids as adequate for any challenge or opportunity before them.
See your kids as admirable in their best traits.
I'd love to hear your biggest takeaway, questions or comments. Please contact me! I read and respond to every email.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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