Relating to a teenager can feel like trying to crack a secret code. Every day, they are sandwiched in between still being young and yet expected to behave as an adult. It’s a difficult transition for all of us and even more complicated in today’s world.
This is a phase of conflicting desires where children desire independence, but also need a consistent, non-anxious presence and you "being there". There is a normal emotional distancing from parents that occurs. Peers, not parents, become the most important influence to your child.
This can be a challenging period as dads learn to tell and direct less, and instead guide with nuance and support more. This is also the phase where you as a dad need to move toward giving responsibility, trusting and empowering your teen.
Despite the complexities and aloofness experienced in this time, fathering a teen does not mean withdrawing from the life of your child. Handled correctly, this can be one of the most rewarding times as a father as you see your children moving into young adulthood and taking on many of the traits for which you had hoped. Your hard work from the early years is paying off!
Underneath the façade of your teenager, there's a mix of thoughts and feelings they might not even understand themselves or know how to talk about.
After my experience with my own teens (two boys and a girl) and from dealings with adolescents during my years of student ministry, here are five things I think they would say and secretly wish we knew:
We Want You to Set Boundaries: We're not rebels just to be rebellious; no matter how we might react, we actually want clear rules. Boundaries make us feel secure. Saying "no" and sticking to it helps, and explaining why the rule is in place is crucial. Being consistent (not unpredictable and intermittent) and caring when we mess up keeps things balanced. As we grow, these boundaries might need to change to fit our evolving needs.
We Need Your Approval: When we roll our eyes, it's not just because we're annoyed. Correcting us feels like personal rejection. We're not asking you to stop correcting us, just to think about how you do it. We really want you to approve of us even without approving of the behavior. Knowing this can help you correct us in a way that makes more sense.
Guide Us, Don't Just Expect Things: We're tired of all the expectations society and school put on us. Instead of giving us more rules, try to be like a mentor in our lives. Ask about our experiences and offer support, rather than just telling us what you expect. Give advice instead of just setting expectations. Be our guide, not a rule-setter.
We're Figuring Out Who We Are: Growing up is confusing. We're still figuring out who we are, and it's not easy. We act differently with friends than we do at home or in class. It's not fake; it's just that our identity hasn’t fully formed yet. We're scared of disappointing people, especially you, and worried about feeling alone forever. Be a safe place for us to be ourselves.
We Need You To Believe In Us: If we seem moody, it's not just hormones. People often blame, belittle, and ignore us. We need respect and understanding. Instead of reacting right away, try to understand why we act the way we do. Treating us with respect and compassion makes us feel heard and breaks the stereotype of us being the difficult teenager.
By understanding these unsaid things, we can build a better connection based on understanding and empathy.
I'd love to hear your biggest takeaway, questions or comments. Please email me! I read and respond to every email.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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