According to an article by the Stanford Medicine News Center, the average age a child receives their first cell phone is 11.6 years old. This fact and the accompanying vulnerability of kids this young illustrates the importance for parents to develop a game plan for their family with cell phones.
Armed now with hindsight, I want to offer suggestions to help you navigate the crazy world of cell phones with your children. Most of these we applied in our home, and after some additional research for this article, I want to offer all 8 of these guidelines for your consideration.
1. Set Boundaries
Don't just hand your kid a cell phone, but set rules with them for this privilege. Like any other object, mobile devices can be utilized for good purposes or can be harmful. As a parent, the first principle is to not be naïve. It is foolish to give your children an electronic device without understanding its potential danger and setting clear boundaries.
Establish cell phone rules on the very first day you grant your children access to phones. If you've already given them a phone, it’s not too late. Go back and start over. Don't fear- just do it. Present these rules as a standard, positive practice in your household. Proactive implementation avoids the perception of rules as a reaction to a problem, making enforcement more effective than punishment when it comes to kids.
Some parents establish written contracts with their kids. Wonderful idea! Here’s a great example of one.
2. Model the Message
Your child is a sponge, absorbing your actions and words, especially regarding cell phone etiquette and behavior. If you envision a future where your teen doesn't text or talk on the phone while driving, refrain from doing so yourself. Actions speak louder than words. Rules for cell phone use should apply to you as well.
3. Speaking of that... No Texting or Talking While Driving
This is a serious one! As adults, we should already know the dangers of texting while driving—make sure your teen does. Also, they are NEVER to ride with anyone who texts while driving. If your kids are naïve or indifferent to this rule, it might be best for them to wait to get a cell phone if they are of driving age. This could literally save your child’s life because all it takes is one mistake. You could also require them to set controls on their phone that won’t allow them to text, call, or receive texts or calls while driving. There are some great cell phone settings controls to prohibit texting and talking while driving. Use them.
4. No Cell Phones in the Bedroom at Night
Ensuring a good night's sleep for kids is crucial, and allowing them to have a cell phone in the privacy of their room at night is a huge mistake. This often leads to prolonged texting, excessive app and internet browsing, and viewing of pornography.
Establish a central charging location for all family members' phones at night, such as a designated basket in the kitchen. Set a specific time for shutting down cell phone usage at night. Leading by example is key. If they resist stating that they use the phone as an alarm, buy them an alarm clock.
5. No Cell Phone Use at School
Cell phone use in school is a distraction and unnecessary. Kids will resist this rule, citing friends who use phones there. Remind them of school policies and emphasize the importance of following rules. Exceptions can be made for only after-school activities, but phone use during the day should be prohibited unless a clear urgency arises.
6. No Cell Phones on Family Days, Family Meals, or Other Important Family Times
Continuous texting during family activities can hinder the quality of family time. Disinterest, interrupted conversations, and a desire to check phones can disrupt the bonding experience. Complaints may arise from the kids, claiming they are missing important information, but you should enforce this rule. Place a basket in the middle of the table at dinner time in which everyone can place their cell phone (mom and dad included).
7. The Phone Belongs to the Parent
We told our kids that the cell phone belonged to us as parents (we paid for it) and was on loan from us to them. Since it was on loan, if it was misused, we could take it back at any time. Sounds harsh but this is a good expectation to set. You’re the parent, so remain consistent and clear about guidelines. Make it clear that no online messages are ever private, that they must tell you their passwords, and that all browsing history, messages, and contacts may be checked at any time. No exceptions. It’s also a great idea to use an Internet filter and parental controls.
8. Ensure Each Cell Phone Contact Is a Real Friend or Family Member
Giving out phone numbers to non-friends can lead to unwanted connections. Maintaining control over contacts is crucial for safety. Periodically check their contact list. Some carriers allow restricting calls to approved numbers. Trust older kids, but verify and discuss responsible contact-sharing.
Once these rules become normal expectations and habits, you’ll be amazed at how the quality of your family time and the general mental health of your kids are enhanced. Believe it or not, your kids (and you) can function without cell phones constantly being with you. Don’t budge. Be consistent, stay positive, and in time your children will be conditioned to control the phone without the phone controlling them.
Hey dads! You likely have other principles to add and some great family practices for cell phone use to share with other dads. Please shoot me an email to share your thoughts and ideas!
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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