by Amy Ayers, LPC
Studies reveal that fathers constantly wrestle with anxiety; but are there ways for dads to approach this emotion with strength and victory?
Anxiety, like all feelings, doesn't prove the existence of a problem, but may serve as a signal that something needs attention. When not addressed, anxiety can grow in strength and ultimately make your world feel like it’s shrinking. What I mean by this, is fear fuels anxiety. It’s the irrational belief that the situation you’re facing, or even imagining, is more dangerous and overwhelming than it might actually be AND you do not have the resources to cope and manage it.
Anxiety can have you circling in your mind, focusing on the worst case scenario, and all the unending, “what if” possibilities. One minute, it’s as if you’re leisurely rocking in a rocking chair, then as the worrying intensifies, you’re rocking ever faster and faster but going absolutely nowhere. Anxiety can feel completely overwhelming, paralyzing the worrier from making an otherwise clear plan to safety.
Living in tornado alley for a better portion of my adult life, I quickly realized that making plans in preparation for the inevitable storm season each year was a prudent decision. Instead of watching the sky turn from a calm, blue to a gross, mustard-yellow and pea green color, with swirling winds in wonder and definite foreboding, I made the choice to manage that anxiety and come up with a plan. My first tornado season was quite an event. I remember scrambling as soon as the sirens sounded, grabbing my small dog at the time and hiding in a bathtub with a twin mattress over us while the tornado sirens were blaring, fearing for the worst. After that experience, I decided to predetermine how I was going to navigate future storm seasons.
Instead of frantically running around like Chicken Little, screaming, “the sky is falling!”, I figured it’d be a better, more responsible path to make a plan. Families that regularly deal with potentially damaging storm seasons have mastered the art of preparation. In my home, I cleared out the space underneath our stairwell, installed a battery powered light on the wall and placed 5 flashlights (one for each of my family members), 5 pair of shoes and a weather radio in there so when the sirens went off at any time of the day/night, all we had to do was grab the dogs and head under the stairs to wait for the storm to pass.
This is an extreme example of addressing anxiety, as it describes worrying about potential destruction or death, but the same principle applies in addressing day-to-day anxieties. Here’s a simple process to assess whether your anxiety is rational and in check by asking these 3 questions.
1. Is the concern a POSSIBILITY? As with the scenario above, living in tornado alley, to live there is to most certainly deal with at least 2 significant storm seasons every year. So, the possibility is close to 100%. If on the other hand, a worry you’re imagining has a low possibility of occurring, then simply throw it out. Focus instead on what you have the power to control and is within your purview to manage. Since this worry is a significant possibility, the next question to ask yourself is:
2. What is the PROBABILITY of the worry actually becoming a reality? For tornado alley, the probability of having a tornado is significantly high, realistically 70-100%. On the other hand, if the worry you’re pondering has a low probability of happening, throw it out and instead, continue to focus on what’s under your power to manage. If your worry has a high probability, the last question to ask is:
3. What now is the PLAN? If your worry is possible, has a high probability of happening, then make a plan. Again, anxiety is overestimating the potential threat or danger while underestimating your ability to cope. Here is when you increase your resources, gathering the tangible things you need, planning for the probable event and creating a community of people who can rally around you and offer you support. In all the uncertainties and worries that naturally come with parenting, Father Friend can be an invaluable resource for you in offering you guidance, mentoring and wisdom for growing into the loving, solution-driven father for your children.
Managing your anxiety is not a “fake it till you make it” situation; it’s a face it till you make it opportunity. Anxiety is manageable and can actually be a helpful signal to drawing your attention to areas of your life that need addressing.
Lastly, if you feel your ability to manage your anxiety is outside of your capacity, seek professional help. Addressing your patterns of falling into the trap of anxiety and learning ways to successfully keep anxiety in its rightful place is a courageous decision. A qualified, licensed mental health provider can be one of your greatest resources.
I'd love to hear your biggest takeaway, questions or comments. Please email me! I read and respond to every email.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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