A battle is being waged against fatherhood in our country and the stakes are high. Dads across our nation are in a critical struggle for their relationship to their children. Despite the corruption and decay we see, it’s not primarily a political battle. It’s not primarily a battle over schools. It’s not primarily a battle for higher moral standards in our culture (though we sure need them!) Rather, the true, more-subtle enemy we face is the set of wholesale assumptions that are present in our culture among dads about fatherhood. These assumptions create mindsets within men that undermine their relationship to their children. Millions are fathers are believing lies about what fatherhood is. They are accepting prevailing notions about the definition of “success”, the acquisition of material and financial wealth, and the value of these in the stewardship of life’s most precious asset: time.
So men, there is a correlation between cause and courage. A connection exists between purpose and bravery. The more significant the cause, the greater courage we discover.
There’s not a dad I know who, when their child is born, says to themselves, “I’m not going to give this child my very best.” So at first, we are highly motivated to be the fathers that our children need, but over time we drift. Dads get busy building careers and acquiring stuff. These actions are not inherently evil because they are often driven by a desire to provide for the home. But slowly and subtly, fathers begin to justify other priorities over their families. The fear is not for men to fail, but to succeed at the wrong things.
Additionally, when life’s circumstances and conflicts call for them to develop in character, men often retreat to take the easy path. It becomes easier not to change and grow. They blame others, deflect responsibility or deny that problems exist. They forfeit courage— not by overt cowardice, but by neglect. They forget what they’re fighting for in the first place. Remember: the greater the cause, the greater the need for courage— and the cause of our children is worth all the courage we can muster for the fight. That includes the courage to resist the glitter of gold and the applause of others over our children. Men, you can indeed have it all... as long as you know what “it” is.
So, you must know your why before you find your way– i.e., before you figure out what to do as a dad, you must figure out why you’re doing it in the first place. You must understand purpose. The most important and decisive action to take as a father is to clearly understand your purpose. At your toughest moments, this father-friend purpose will be the one thing that will empower you to stay in the fight.
TRUTH: Before dads can find their way, they must first discover their why.
Researchers tell us that there are at least three major benefits to a well-defined purpose. These are true for any organization or individual.
A well-defined purpose reduces frustration. When we don’t know the reason why we’re giving energy, effort and sacrifice, we grow weary and dissatisfied. Purpose helps us remember the noble cause for which we’re fighting and brings motivation to all our work toward it. We then give ourselves to that purpose in greater ways.
A well-defined purpose produces concentration. When we know purpose, we are able to focus life toward achieving it. We then align our time, money, and energies toward its accomplishment, and interpret challenges in light of it.
A well-defined purpose provides for evaluation. There is one easy justification for not having any purpose at all—there’s no accountability. But, once a purpose is set and we keep it before us, it inherently provides a means for accountability. The question will therefore always be, “Am I achieving it?” When purpose is clear, it becomes a measure for how I spend my life and who I spend it on. Activity is not the same as productivity.
Purpose therefore helps dads move beyond business to actual effectiveness.
One more important thing about purpose: the purpose must not only be present, but potent. Remember, there is a correlation between cause and courage. For a purpose to truly inspire and motivate, it must be worthwhile. Not all purposes are of equal value. Not all purposes are inspiring. In the end, not all purposes serve you or others well or provide fulfillment as possibly promised. Our children and the goal of being their father-friend does. There may be nothing more courageous than living according to this value!
I firmly believe that the most impactful form of fatherhood transcends quick fixes, and relies instead on an inspiring vision rooted in a meaningful purpose. I other words, the most effective and fulfilling fatherhood is deliberate and strategic, not haphazard and intermittent. It happens within a framework of an overarching objective you’ll need to embrace. The noble purpose I propose is for you to become your child’s father-friend.
I'd love to hear your biggest takeaway, questions or comments. Please email me! I read and respond to every email.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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