According to Wookipedia (the Star Wars Wiki), hyperdrive is a type of propulsion system that allows a starship to enter light-speed and therefore travel amazing distances at incredible speeds. Hans Solo’s famous Millennium Falcon had hyperdrive capabilities.
Just like light-speed cruisers, there are men that propel their lives forward at breakneck rates enabling them to build amazing careers, gain financial wealth and realize impressive achievements. When asked about their success, these men often refer to themselves as “driven”. I would argue that many of them are indeed pushing forward, but speeding through vital years of their children’s lives and missing what is of true, lasting value.
Here’s what I mean. The term “driven” has been used as a self-label by many men seeking to justify their own excessive and compulsive drives. Likewise, “providing for my family” is a euphemism for self-ambition that seeks to excuse their obsession with external measures of success and the tunnel-vision that accompanies it. These dads are constantly charging a hill... and they expect others to keep up or get out of their way. In extreme cases, they may be authoritarian, autonomous (never relying upon or needing others) and even downright mean.
Why would otherwise great dads act in such destructive ways? The first answer is that they can. By the sheer force of their personality, hyperdriven men have often maneuvered themselves into positions where they don’t have to answer to anyone, and if they have achieved a measure of “success”, people let them get away with it.... even their families.
There are three underlying clues that might indicate that you’re a hyperdriven individual:
You possess the inability to be content
These are people constantly focusing on what they lack, rather than on what they have. Something within them is insatiable. They are incessantly consumed with the need for that which can never be attained— more. The tragedy is that in focusing on getting what they lack, they lose sight of what they have.
You do not know the meaning of "no" or "not yet"
Hyperdriven men have never learned the rhythm of lasting success. They don’t understand the need to pace life at a bearable rate and the value of rest stops. In fact, when they relax they often feel guilty. For them, life always means saying “yes” and “let’s go”. They overlook the lasting value of going smaller, doing less, slowing down with family, and celebrating life’s moments. For them, the big deal is the big deal. For wiser men, the little things in life— i.e., the spontaneous moments arising from being emotionally present with others— those are the big deal.
Truth: in the economy of wisdom, stopping and resting can actually be a way of advancing forward. Hyperdriven men don’t get that. They don’t allow their lives and families space to breathe. Instead, they and their children are always just out of breath in the inexhaustible pursuit of what’s bigger and better.
You must have things your way
Hyperdriven men crave control— but, the sense of superiority that accompanies control is in truth insecurity. How do you know? Because these men are far more likely to behave poorly when they aren’t getting what they want. In other spheres of life, we would call this immaturity, but in the pursuit of success, it’s often justified. Sadly, at the deepest level, many of these men are relentlessly seeking to prove their worth. Hyperdriven men don’t understand that doing the right thing (priority of family, rest, recreation), even when it’s not convenient or efficient, is the right thing to do, and leads to greater personal reward with less regret.
So, if you have hyperdrive tendencies surfacing within you, here are a few suggestions:
Develop the discipline of noticing the miraculous normal:
There are so many beautiful moments in the normal ups-and-downs of life, along with so many beautiful things. Take them all in! Look at your children. Perceive them. Be present with them. Imagine what it must be like to be them with their challenges and pressures. Be used as a force for their encouragement. Find joy in doing so. Look for beauty and wonder in simple things. Notice the good in your children and affirm them for it. 91% of father-child bonding occurs between the ages of 0-12. So, soak in every moment that God allows you with them. Determine in your heart the worth of family compared to any other enticement of success.
Learn to be grateful for imperfect gifts:
Perfectionism is a common trait of hyperdriven personalities. However, nothing in life is perfect—jobs are not, people at work are not, your spouse is not, your kids are not, finances are not, and circumstances are not. If things must look and people must act perfectly in order for me to be grateful, then I never will. Ingratitude, therefore, is not only the active expression of feelings of frustration and words of discontent. It is also the withholding of thankfulness to God and others. Ingratitude is a moral blindness. It is the inability to see the good in all of life, to experience the peace that comes from resigning ourselves to the fact that we can’t (and should not) control everything.
Monitor your heart:
Hyperdriven men must learn to assimilate into their character the traits of noticing, thankfulness and love, and keep a pulse on the health of these traits. General ingratitude, frustration, impatience and a lack of compassion should be warning signs that something is awry. Like the indicator lights on the dash panel of the car that warn you something is wrong under the hood, these are clues that something is off-center in your heart. Be self-aware or life will just pass you by. Keep watch over your heart.
Here's the good news— by taking time for others, we begin to be emotionally present in people’s lives. By expressing thanks, we become grateful people. By stopping and noticing the good, we begin to feel joy. By doing different things, we begin to feel different ways... and we become different people. It’s not too late.
I'd love to hear your biggest takeaway, questions or comments. Please email me! I read and respond to every email.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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