In 2015, my 16-year-old daughter and I attended an amazing parent-child adventure ranch in northern California called JH Ranch. I had taken my two sons separately in prior years and she was looking forward to the event. I was excited about spending an entire week with just me and her engaging in excursions like hiking, white-water rafting, and ropes courses, coupled with opportunities for spiritual growth and relationship-building. The week exceeded expectations, creating cherished memories as I spent quality time with my daughter, witnessing her embrace the experience, bond with leaders and other girls, and grow in remarkable ways.
The highpoint of our week was a one-on-one conversation on the final day, part of a planned talk for dads and daughters. This discussion was the culmination from other talks we had through the week about various topics such as dating, sex, marriage, and the evolving dynamics of our relationship as she transitioned into young adulthood.
I bring all this up because in that final conversation my daughter confessed to me a common struggle among teenage girls—she told me that she felt she was not pretty. I was shocked and saddened!
You should know that on a shear external level, my daughter was (and is) a beautiful young woman. She’s also internally, amazingly beautiful— full of character, honesty, life, laughter and kindness; possessing a heart to serve and help others; smart; a girl of courage, virtue and authentic faith in God. Yet, despite years of affirmations from her mother and me, and even from peers, she felt this way at the age of 16.
In that moment, I affirmed and reaffirmed how I see her as beautiful and we talked through why she might feel as she did. We got through the discussion and in the end, she felt reassured. I think it felt good for her just to express this self-doubt to someone. I walked away saddened that my little girl could feel this way, and wondered how I had possibly failed to build her up as a dad should.
Reflecting on this experience, I realized that teenage girls, irrespective of their inherent beauty, grapple with insecurity about external looks. Our society bombards them with inaccurate and unrealistic standards of beauty, contributing to these insecurities. On average, studies show that teenager girls by far experience higher stress, more self-doubt and a more critical body image than teenage boys.* These facts are not hard to grasp when you see covers of teen magazines, browse social media, or consider pressure our daughters face from both male and female peers.
All this serves as a poignant reminder for fathers to take proactive steps in protecting their daughters from surrendering to such doubts. While it’s impossible to shield girls entirely from societal pressures, the security and affirmation they receive from fathers play a crucial role in helping them overcome distorted cultural messages that constantly confront them.
Dads, here are some ways you can help your daughter seek true beauty:
Take your role as protector seriously and early.
Cultural messages reach our children at a very young age, making it crucial to start protecting them from unrealistic expectations early on. Be intentional about your role as a protector, as indifference can embed myths about beauty. Monitor and manage the information reaching your child, interpreting it for them as appropriate for their age. Engage in open conversations about cultural messages, even if it feels awkward or challenging. Avoid extremes—neither isolating your child from all cultural realities nor allowing any and all messages to reach them regardless of age.
Resist expectations for your children to fit in.
Some parents inadvertently place pressure on their children to conform to superficial standards of beauty. Avoid forcing your daughter to conform to societal norms, date early, or strive for peer approval. Allow your child to be a child and your teen to be a teen. Resist the temptation of sophisticating children too early, and refrain from embedding unrealistic beauty standards by obsessing on external factors (hair, make up, clothing, social approval, dating). Also, it’s ok for you to mandate modesty in her attire.
Teach her about character and inner beauty.
At the ages of 5 through 8, my daughter used to love to dress up. She would put on dresses, high heels, tiaras and plastic jewelry, and seek attention. This was natural for a little girl and inherently not a bad thing. I told her how pretty she was and how I admired her sweet little outfits, but I also saw as an opportunity to teach her about inner beauty. I would say to her, “Sweetie, does the dress make you pretty or do you make the dress pretty?” She would respond, “I make the dress pretty”. “That’s right,” I would say. Then I would say things like, “You know why I think you’re beautiful? I think you’re beautiful because you’re kind, you like to share and do nice things for others, you love your mommy and daddy and brothers, you’re sweet, you’re smart, you tell the truth, and you work hard at things. Those are the reasons you’re pretty to me.”
Likewise, emphasize that your daughter’s internal qualities—kindness, sharing, love for family—are what make her truly beautiful. Shift the focus from external traits to internal character. Acknowledge and applaud qualities such as kindness, generosity, endurance, discipline, intellect, compassion, and emotional expression. Prioritize these dimensions of true love and beauty over external attributes like clothing, hair and make-up; as well as above physique, sports or athleticism. Affirm your child's authentic qualities consistently and lovingly.
As a father and man, love your daughter for the right reasons.
What you see and pay attention to as a dad is what your daughter will believe is important. So reflect on your own view of beauty- what is important to you as a man?
One of my favorite verses from the Jewish scripture sets the standard for how to view real beauty: “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30
It’s true— external attraction fades with time. Do your best to make sure your daughter is loved for the right reasons. Remind her, “what you attract someone with is what you must keep them with.” Keeping a man based solely upon physical attraction is impossible and leads to disaster. So, what will last for a lifetime? Inner beauty and character. Find these two things attractive in her and she will expect it from other boys. In other words, do your best to make sure your daughter is loved for the right reasons. How? By loving her for the right reasons. She will then better love herself for the right reasons. It starts with you.
* https://www.webmd.com/special-reports/teen-stress/20160414/teen-stress-survey
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