One famous line from the movie Braveheart comes from a confrontation between William Wallace and the nobles of Scotland (wealthy landowners who exploited commoners). Wallace said, “There’s a difference between us. You think the people of this country exist to provide you with position. I think your position exists to provide those people with freedom. And I go to make sure they have it.”
This line captures the heart of true influence and is vital for understanding to fathers who want to make a lasting impact upon their children. Let me explain.
With position and title almost always comes power. Power is the ability to direct or influence the behavior of others. Authority, similar to power, is the perceived right to exercise power. Here’s an example: A man of physical strength has the power (the ability) to restrain someone. A police officer, on the other hand, has the authority (the assigned right) to restrain someone.
A father may have the power (the ability) to control the behavior and attitudes of their children (i.e., until they become larger human beings). By right, they also have the title to do so— that is, the authority. But there is another component of power that’s vital for dads to understand. While a man with power and authority may be able and have the right to effect their kids, he may lack the credibility to do so—meaning that he lacks moral permission from their children to influence them. In the truest sense, power without credibility is illegitimate power. In the long race of fatherhood, it’s vitally important to gain credibility with your kids by the end of Quadrant 2, and all the way through Quadrants 3 and 4 (see the Father Friend model).
For example, I am the dad of three young adults. My initial leadership of my children was based upon the power, title and the authority vested in my role as father. In this sense, I might be able to get them to conform to my expectations simply because I hold an authoritative position over them. But in the end, if my children only do what I tell them to do because I hold the title of father, then I have failed as a parent. That kind of leadership will only last until they leave the home. Also, while I may have the title of “father” over them, with expressing only power I did not fulfill the wonderful blessing and rich potential of that role.
If I seek lasting impact, I must use my power and authority for them, not for myself. I must also influence my children through character, service and example. I must live before them, with passion, the values I hold dear in the hopes that they will embrace them as well. I must not just teach them and tell them what to do, but serve and sacrifice for my children in order to earn real credibility. I must provide a vision for them of the kind of life I desire them to live, display an example of that life, as well as empower them with the resources to live it. This is the virtuous and magnanimous nature of true fatherhood.
Therefore, when fathers who possess the right to lead through title also earn the right to lead through trust, then true, lasting influence of our children takes place.
Why is this discussion of a father’s power so important? Because power, the right kind of power, is the greatest asset of fatherhood. It provides fathers with the potential to do good or bring harm. Power allows fathers to build trust and thus gain the voluntary and legitimate permission from their children to influence them, or power can be used in such a way that it undermines trust and legitimacy. Power expressed properly allows fathers to use it for their children, not on their children. It helps maintain a balance in a dad’s expression of both authority and affection. Power, and a father’s use of it, gains or destroys the legitimacy of his leadership over his children. Since this is true, the way a father uses power over his children is the truest test of his character.
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Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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