"Why do grown-ups sometimes lie when they say it's important to always tell the truth?"
"Why do you sometimes seem unhappy even when you say everything is okay?"
"Why do you work so much instead of spending time with me?"
These are honest, tough questions from children that demand a reply better than "Go ask your mom". The way you respond to your child will reveal a lot to them about who you are as a father.
Let’s start, however, with a brief history lesson.
In 1664 in England, there lived a commander of a great merchant ship, and his name was Captain Fudge. That's sort of an odd name, isn't it? Maybe he was friends with Captain Crunch? Anyway, Captain Fudge was an actual historical figure and he was notorious for telling tall tales.
His nickname became “Lying Fudge". His crew would hear someone else speak a falsehood or exaggeration, and they would shout "Fudge! Fudge!" Captain Fudge’s fame actually spread to America. By the mid-1800s, when kids would try to cheat at marbles, their opponents would yell, "Hey, no fudging!" And to this day, the word "fudging" is used when someone is lying, embellishing or misrepresenting something.
We live in a world with lots of fudging. Here are some common ones:
“I’ll pray for you.”
“The check is in the mail.”
“I need just one minute of your time.”
“I’ll pay you back tomorrow.”
“This is the final point of my sermon.”
“I’ll call you; we’ll do lunch.”
“The doctor will be with you shortly.”
Here’s the problem— fudge enough, even in small things, and you destroy trust. Fudging may be harmless in some areas of life, but when it comes to fathers in relationship to their children, it’s destructive. Throughout their development, children are learning who and what they can count on in life, what is true and false, where security resides. If children should count on anything, they should count on their fathers to speak truth; even in small things and even when it’s tempting to fudge.
Dads, do you have a reputation among your kids for being a truth-teller, even when they come to you with difficult questions?
So, how do you respond to those types of difficult questions with integrity?
Acknowledge Feelings: Validate your child's feelings and curiosity. Start by recognizing that their questions are important and that it's okay to talk about tough topics. Ask them why this question has come up in their mind. Their response might reveal an insecurity and a deeper issue you need to address beyond the question. Remember with fathering- the “issue” is rarely the issue.
Be Honest: Give truthful answers that are appropriate for their age. Share enough to satisfy their curiosity without overwhelming them, but avoid being deceptive. You might say, “I’m sharing what you need to know right now. We can talk more about this when you’re older. Just remember, I won’t lie to you, and I love you.”
Use Simple Language: Explain complex ideas in a way they can understand, again, based upon age. Avoid jargon and keep it straightforward. Don’t deflect or deny. Be courageous while also being prudent, and let your kids see your honesty.
Encourage Dialogue: Invite further discussion. Let them know it's okay to ask more questions, fostering an open environment. Do not shut them down! You should make time to respond, but if you truly don’t have time at the moment to discuss, tell them that you will talk with them later about it... then be sure to follow up!
Model Vulnerability: Share your own struggles and imperfections. This teaches them that it's okay to be human and to make mistakes.
Focus on Values: Emphasize the importance of honesty, even when it's difficult. Use the moment to reinforce values like trust and communication.
Express Love and Reassurance: Remind them that, despite challenges, your love for them is unwavering. Reassurance can help mitigate any concerns they may have.
By applying these principles, you can navigate difficult questions with integrity while building trust and connection in your relationship with your kids.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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