A person’s identity is that "not entirely conscious sense of self” formed through childhood, adolescence and into young adulthood. Many things determine the way a person sees and defines themselves. During these early years, there are three questions we all seek to answer:
Do I know who I am?
Do I like who I am?
Am I secure in who I am?
Much more could be said about these, but whether we have a cognizant idea of the answers to these questions, or if the answers lie in our subconscious, we are all defining a basic structure of who we are based upon these questions. This is the process of identity formation.
The research is undeniable: a child’s sense of self (identity) is significantly impacted by the way their father views them and how that view is expressed from the father to the child. Dad plays a huge role in their child’s determination of those identity questions. Consequently, a father will overtly and unintentionally communicate love and approval, or convey that a child is “not enough” in their eyes. This occurs in many ways, but the effect of that damaging message is immense. Here’s how psychologist Nathaniel Brandon aptly put it:
“In considering the many parental messages that may have a detrimental effect on a child’s self-esteem, there is probably none I encounter more often in the course of my work than some version of ‘You are not enough’… The tragedy of many people’s lives is that in accepting the verdict that they are not enough, they may spend their years exhausting themselves in pursuit of the Holy Grail of enoughness.”
Wow! So as a loving dad, you want your child to be absolutely certain of your unconditional love and acceptance. It’s your job not to assume they know that fact, but to communicate it clearly, consistently and creatively. Here’s an idea from what I did with my children. Feel free to steal and make it yours.
Each night I would go into my kid’s room to read a book, pray with them, give them kiss and say goodnight. I began a bedtime ritual when each of them reached the age of 4 or 5. One that would continue for the next 4-5 years where I would periodically have this discussion with them. For example, with my oldest son I said, “Ryan, if we were line up all the boys in the whole world, which one would I choose to me my son?” At first he would respond, “Would you pick me?” I said, “Yes, I would pick you.” A year or so later, in response to my question Ryan would say rather affirmatively, “You would pick me!” I would say, “That’s right. Out of all the boys in the whole world I would pick you to be my son.” At about 8 years old, one night after a moment’s pause Ryan said in reply, “What if one of them played basketball better?” I paused, looked him in the eyes and said, “I would pick you.” He then said, “What if one of them was smarter?” I said, “I would pick you.” Ryan thought for a second and said, “I’m glad you’d pick me.”
I knew at that last interaction Ryan finally understood what I was trying to convey to him— that to me, he is enough. That I love him unconditionally. That there’s nothing good nor bad he could do that would cause me to love him less. That I’m glad that he’s my son and that I would choose no other than him.
By nature, esteem is not meant to be achieved, but to be received. Sadly in our world, we get that backwards. Many grow up believing that love is earned, and is a result of their performance and achievements. Yet, to feel esteem from within results from being loved unconditionally by someone you esteem. Someone bigger than you, bigger than life that you respect and admire. And there’s no one more powerful to do that than that guy called “dad”. That’s the power you have. To love your child not based upon their performance, but despite any achievements they make or ones they never will- you’d choose them. I'm thankful that God, as my Father in Heaven, loves me that way— and I've tried to make sure my kids received that same kind of love from me.
It's vital for your kids to know, and for you tell them out loud, “There’s nothing you could ever do, or not do, that would cause me to stop loving you.”
What a gift you will give your children!
I'd love to hear your biggest takeaway, questions or comments. Please email me! I read and respond to every email.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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