I not proud to say that I remember a few occasions when I completely lost my cool. I’m certainly far from perfect. In those moments, my kids might have been in the wrong, but my response was often way out of proportion to the situation. It’s tough being a dad, isn’t it? So, what do you do when you blow it—and you know it? Let’s break down a practical approach to handle these tough moments. These are some lessons I have learned in my blunders.
1. Calm Down
First and foremost, you need to take a step back and calm down. It’s easy to let emotions take the wheel, especially when you feel your buttons being pushed. Take a deep breath, count to ten, or step outside for a moment. Whatever it takes to regain your composure, do it. Remember, your emotional state influences how you interact with your kids. If you're riled up, chances are your response won't be constructive.
2. Apologize
Once you've had a moment to cool off, it’s time to apologize. Yes, your kids might have done something wrong, but that doesn’t excuse an overreaction. A simple, heartfelt apology can go a long way in repairing the situation. Acknowledge that you didn’t handle the moment well, regardless of their actions. Seek their forgiveness. Let them know you’re still on a journey as a dad and are not perfect. This teaches your kids that everyone makes mistakes, and owning up to them is part of growing.
3. Reassure Your Children
After apologizing, it’s essential to reassure your kids that they’re okay with you. Kids can be sensitive to shifts in tone or mood, and they might worry that your anger reflects a deeper issue with them. Let them know that while you might have reacted strongly, your love for them hasn’t changed. This reassurance fosters trust and lets them know they can come to you even after a tough moment.
4. Take Inventory
Now that the dust has settled, it’s time to reflect on what just happened. Ask yourself some important questions:
What triggered my anger? Was it something specific, or was I already stressed out from the day?
Did I set my kids up for failure? Sometimes, we inadvertently create situations where our kids can’t succeed, and then we get upset when they struggle. I remember setting a small quart of fire-engine red paint in the middle of a room while I was painting and my 3 year old son ran through and tipped it over. Yes, it was a mess, but really- whose fault was it? 3-year-olds will run, jump and play! So, was it really the smartest thing to set that paint unprotected in the middle of the room? No, that’s on me! Maybe you’ve created a situation where your kids will likely fail?
Why was this particular thing so triggering for me? Is there something deeper at play here?
Is this situation revealing something about my past that I need to address? It’s worth considering whether old wounds are influencing your reactions. What does impatience and anger toward my kids reveal about my heart?
Does this incident highlight something in my parenting style that needs correction? Reflecting on your approach can help you make better choices in the future.
Are you caring for yourself? Are you running only on fumes and have little emotional bandwidth to practice patience and grace with your children? Is there a need for rest, recreation, exercise, prayer, meditation, worship and/or confession?
These questions may feel tough to ask yourself, but they are crucial for your growth as a dad.
5. Make an Advanced Plan
Preparation is key. Think about what you’ll do the next time you feel that familiar frustration bubbling up. How will you respond? Decide now, while you’re calm, so that you’re ready when emotions run high again. It might be helpful to visualize a calmer version of yourself handling a similar situation in the future.
6. Employ the Tap In, Tap Out Strategy
Finally, consider implementing the "tap in, tap out" strategy with your spouse. Make a plan where, if your partner notices you becoming emotional, they can gently tap you on the shoulder. This cue lets you know it's time to step back, allowing your partner to take over the conversation. This approach can be incredibly effective as long as both of you are aligned on what constitutes inappropriate behavior from the kids. It not only helps manage the immediate situation but also reinforces teamwork between you and your partner.
Parenting is a challenging journey, and none of us have all the answers. I’ve certainly had my share of moments where I’ve lost it, but by acknowledging those moments and taking constructive steps, I’ve been able to improve. Remember, it’s about progress, not perfection.
So, the next time you find yourself losing your cool, take a deep breath, apologize, and reassure your kids. Reflect on what happened and create a plan for next time. And don’t hesitate to lean on your partner for support.
Together, we can navigate these parenting challenges and emerge stronger, more connected, and better equipped to handle whatever comes our way.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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