WHAT IF YOUR CHILD'S FUTURE HINGED ON HOW WELL YOU ANSWER 3 SIMPLE QUESTIONS?
First, not long ago, we lived in a neighborhood where new homes were being constructed all around us. We often drove past the construction crews as they were working and witnessed each phase of the home-building process. A new home starts with the foundation. Workers did deep trenches, build a wooden frame, set the rebar in place and lay pipe. Then, trucks deliver cement and men pour the foundation. The stability of the entire house rests in the quality of its foundation. Without it, everything else is flawed.
Our former home in Houston is an example of a faulty foundation. One day I noticed a small crack in the sheetrock by a window. I inspected the rest of the interior of the house and found there were three other cracks near downstairs’ joints and windows. Sure enough, I called a company to inspect our home and the foundation in the back half of the house was sinking. Two weeks later they came to install underground piers that raised the foundation and secured it for decades to come. It cost several thousand dollars to repair.
Q1 Fathering (children ages 0-6) is critically important because many of the things done by dads in this phase, and many of the things learned in this phase by children, serve as a secure foundation for other things to come. By highly engaging and working hard here, you serve you and your child well for many years ahead, and save yourself many headaches and heartaches in later phases.
Affirming yourself as your child’s leader is not the only thing you do in Q1, but just behind caregiving and providing for the physical needs of your child, it is by far the most important. In this first phase of fathering, you should seek to answer three critical questions— questions that your children will subconsciously ask in these years.
TRUTH— In Q1 dads should answer three questions for their children:
Question #1 — TO WHOM DO I BELONG?
In the earliest of years, identity (one’s self-definition) is first a matter of identification. What matters most in this phase is not your child determining, “Who am I?”, but instead “Whose am I?” Children have very little conscious sense of who they are at this stage, but they can certainly consciously grasp whose they are, i.e. to whom they belong. By yours and their mother’s all-encompassing engagement in the life of your infant, toddler and preschooler, you will answer that question and it will be a source of profound inner security for them. I know it sounds simple and while you may know this to be true, your child needs to know that he or she belongs to you. It implies that they comprehend that they are not on their own; that there is someone deeply responsible for them; and that they are not without a loving and competent caretaker in their life.
So, the keyword here is PRESENCE. In this phase, you should be sure to engage with your child regularly across multiple, diverse settings: holding them as infants on sleepless nights, changing diapers, playing on the floor, teaching them to talk and walk, piggyback rides, reading books, enjoying playgrounds, playing sports, doing puzzles, consoling them, disciplining them, etc... and in all these settings being sure to speak to them those powerful fatherly words: “You are my good boy”, “You are my sweet girl”, “You are daddy’s little man”, or “You are daddy’s little girl”. Or, a great way to seal this message in their hearts is by asking them, “Who’s my boy?” or “Who’s daddy’s girl?” and letting them answer with those beautiful, potent words “I am.”
TRUTH— Children must understand first whose they are before they can understand who they are.
Question #2 — WHO CAN I TRUST?
Children feeling safe and secure is critically important in Q1. In this phase, they are forming subconscious ideas about life’s general stability and security, and that of their home. A child’s basic needs of safety and security must be met before other needs can be and for other types of development to occur (research Maslow’s, Hierarchy of Needs to understand more). Since at this phase children are dependent beings, for them to feel safe they must also trust someone to provide security and stability for them.
By their strength and confidence, dads can uniquely speak into a child’s early life by letting them know that though the world at times is unsafe and unstable, they are safe and secure with you. All is going to be ok. Daddy can be trusted. In this sense, dads are figures of strength, courage and protection. To the degree you reinforce these images for your child, the more stability they will feel.
The keyword in answer to the question “Whom can I trust?” is CONSISTENCY. When children see consistent responses of words and actions in their father in the forms of truth-telling, predicting consequences and protecting them, they form a subconscious security in their fathers and they inherently trust them. If your children learn to trust you, they will follow you and you will have gained the credibility to influence them for life.
Question #3 — WHO'S IN CHARGE?
In Q1 your child should receive the message that there is a trusted someone who, in the end, decides what will and will not be done. By default, that means that they do not get to decide. Before some of you think that this is authoritarian and involves suppressing your child’s personality, read my other articles on the difference between legitimate authority and illegitimate authoritarianism.
By the end of Q1, it is important for your children to know that at this phase of life they don’t ultimately get to do whatever they want when they want to do it. They must learn, and you must show them and tell them, that you are the one responsible for them. Here, you’re establishing much needed boundaries that children don’t understand they need. So for now, they must do what you ask when you ask and if they don’t then there are negative consequences. If they respond and obey, there are positive consequences. Answering the question of who’s in charge does not mean micromanaging your children, not giving them a measure of autonomy, or perennially controlling them.
A keyword in the answer to the question “Who’s in charge?” is the often misunderstood term DISCIPLINE. Properly motivated and applied discipline is a critical and loving gift that fathers give their children and just like other important factors in Q1, it will set the foundation for the future of their development.
To understand more and to place in context, you should read about our Thinking Dads Model. Also, I have an eBook on discipline that is available for purchase. Do well in this stage dad, and you bless your children for life.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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