Are you helping your kids build confidence, or are you unknowingly tearing it down?
Hey, dads! Let’s talk about those critical years from ages 7 to 12. According to our Father Fiend Model, this is Quadrant 2 of fatherhood. This is when our kids are figuring out who they are and what they’re capable of, and according to our Father Friend model, in this phase we should primarily fulfill the role of a coach. This is fun because as fathers, we have a unique opportunity to shape their self-esteem and confidence during this time. In fact here are the 2 important outcomes you want produced in your kids in this phase and dads are uniquely used to build them- those outcomes are confidence & competence. To produce those, there are 3 key questions that dads should seek to answer for our kids:
1. Am I Capable?
Kids at this age are eager to tackle new challenges, and it’s up to us to help them see their potential. We can instill a sense of competence by encouraging them to step outside their comfort zones—whether it’s trying out for a sports team, tackling a tough school project, or picking up a new hobby.
Celebrate their efforts, not just the wins. When they take on a challenge, praise their courage to try and offer constructive feedback that focuses on growth. Remind them that mistakes are just stepping stones to learning. This mindset builds resilience and fosters a lifelong love for learning. When they believe they can handle challenges, they’re more likely to embrace new opportunities.
2. Am I Valued?
As our kids navigate friendships and family dynamics, they start to figure out their worth. This is where we can make a significant impact by showing them that their contributions matter. Get them involved in family discussions and ask for their input on decisions—whether it’s planning a weekend adventure or discussing family rules.
Make sure to appreciate their efforts, whether they're helping with chores or sharing their ideas. When they feel heard and valued, it boosts their self-worth. This foundation helps them grow into confident individuals who aren’t afraid to express themselves in their friendships and future relationships.
3. Who Believes in Me?
Kids crave affirmation from us, and our belief in their abilities is crucial. Regularly let them know you believe in their skills. Be there for their games, celebrate their achievements, and remind them of past successes when they hit a tough spot. Your encouragement builds a strong sense of security.
When they know their dad believes in them, they’re more likely to take risks and chase their passions. Your confidence acts like a safety net, reassuring them that they can pursue what they love. This positive reinforcement shapes their identity and helps them adopt a growth mindset. Wouldn’t it be awesome for our kids to look back and say, “No one believed in me like my dad.”
So, to effectively coach your kids during this time, here are some practical actions that have worked for me:
Encourage Exploration: Support them in trying new activities and facing challenges. Celebrate both their successes and their efforts, reinforcing the idea that growth comes from experience.
Listen Actively: Make time to engage in conversations. Show genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings. This fosters open communication and helps them feel valued.
Be Present: Attend their events and celebrate milestones, big or small. Your presence shows them they matter and boosts their confidence.
Model Resilience: Share your own experiences with challenges and setbacks. Show them how you navigate difficulties, reinforcing the idea that perseverance is key.
Create a Safe Space: Encourage them to express their feelings and fears without judgment. Let them know it’s okay to fail, as long as they learn and grow from it.
As dads, our role as coaches during ages 7 to 12 is vital in shaping our kids’ confidence and self-esteem. By addressing the questions of capability, value, and belief, we can help them navigate this important time. Let’s build their sense of competence, ensure they feel valued, and consistently express our belief in their abilities. This support will empower them to grow into confident, competent individuals ready to tackle whatever life throws their way.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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