Hey there, dads! How do you navigate the feelings that arise as your children step into adulthood? Are you prepared to shift your role from being the director and provider to embracing a more supportive friendship and guidance with your kids? Most of you would say, “Heck yeah! I’m ready!”
In this article, we're diving into Quadrant 4 of fatherhood—the Father-Friend phase. I have a lot to say about this stage- this is exactly where I am now. All three of my kids are young adults who are married. I also have 2 grandchildren. So, this stage is all about celebrating milestones and navigating the bittersweet reality of an empty nest. Let’s explore how we can embrace this new role and find joy in the journey.
The Transition to Father-Friend
As our kids hit that magical age of 21 and beyond, they start seeking independence and building their own lives. If they’ve gone to college, they possibly have another year left. Maybe they’ve lived under your financial support and that will be ending soon. By now, we’ve done the heavy lifting—teaching, discipline, leading, mentoring, and securing a strong foundation for their lives. Now, it's time for us to step back a bit and embrace the role of a supportive father friend.
But let's be real: this shift can feel daunting. The emotional distance that comes with it might lead to feelings of loneliness and even a sense of lost purpose. It’s essential to recognize that this isn’t the end; it’s a new beginning.
Research shows that engaged parents of adult children and those who are grandparents enjoy better mental and physical health. So, as our children become adults, we can find renewed joy and connection through active involvement with them and our grandchildren. It’s a fulfilling cycle that enriches our lives—but it looks different.
The Joys of Quadrant 4
Celebrating Milestones
In this phase, we get to witness our kids achieve significant achievements—graduations, first jobs, weddings and having kids. These moments are more than celebrations; they remind us of the hard work we've invested as fathers. There’s just nothing better than seeing our kids adulting fully empowered and living lives of fulfillment. In Q4, We can reflect on the values we've instilled and the strength of our relationships that we’ve worked so hard to build.
Becoming a Grandparent
One of the greatest joys of this phase is becoming a grandfather. The bond formed If you’re fortunate, one of the greatest joys of this phase is becoming a grandfather. The bond we form with our grandchildren is special. We can be playful and nurturing without the pressures of day-to-day parenting. As research shows, engaging with our grandkids can also boost our sense well-being, providing us with renewed life purpose and vitality.
The Challenges of Empty Nest Syndrome
However, this transition isn’t without its challenges. As our children leave home, we may experience what is often referred to as “empty nest syndrome.” Feelings of loneliness can creep in, and we might struggle to find our place in this new landscape. I constantly fight feelings where I deeply miss my kids with me in my home. When I became a dad, I knew the end game was to raise happy, kind, well-adjusted kids that would grow up and leave my home. But you know, that doesn’t make me miss them any less. Though it’s great that busyness, stress and activities decrease- often this phase sees fathers increasing in depression and lacking motivation and purpose.
It's also natural to reflect, maybe even fixate, on our roles and contributions to our kids, and sometimes those reflections can lead to regret. We might wish we’d done things differently or been more present. Acknowledging these emotions is essential. Honestly, feeling lost or lacking purpose is a natural part of this phase and something we must work through. It’s going to be ok.
Remember, we’ve dedicated years to nurturing our children, and as they spread their wings, it can feel like we’re left adrift. Yet, within this emptiness lies an opportunity to rediscover ourselves and our passions.
We’ve dedicated years to nurturing our children, and now, as they spread their wings, it can feel like we’re left adrift. Yet, within this emptiness lies an opportunity to rediscover ourselves and our passions.
Key Behaviors of a Father-Friend
Listening and Affirming
In this new role, listening becomes paramount. We need to create an environment where our adult children feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. This means truly hearing them—affirming their experiences and letting them know we are there to support them, not to judge or control.
Supporting and Empowering
Our job now is to support their decisions, empowering them to take charge of their own lives. This means stepping back from the instinct to direct and instead being a trusted ally. When they face challenges, we can offer encouragement without trying to solve their problems for them. This shift fosters independence and reinforces the idea that we believe in their abilities.
Trusting and Refraining from Directing
Trust is vital in this phase. We need to trust our adult children’s judgment, giving them the freedom to make their own choices. By doing this, we foster a relationship built on respect, allowing both parties to share advice and comfort when needed without overstepping boundaries. Your children seeking to be trusted in this phase means that they must reap the consequences of their decisions- whether those be good or bad. They must lean to be on their own, and being an adult means bearing the consequences of decisions. While of course you're there to help in dire need, I highly suggest you resist the urge to rescue them.
Being Present When Needed
While the goal is to be a supportive friend, we must remain available for guidance when our children seek it. This means being a constant presence in their lives, showing them that we are always there to lend an ear or offer advice when called upon. This approach maintains the strong bond we've built over the years.
Reflecting on Purpose and Legacy
The bottom line is that you need to let go and find great pride and joy in their abilities to live their lives. Accept this phase and choose to enjoy it. Be there when they need you and offer yourself as their friend.
Though it can be difficult, Q4 gives us the opportunity to enjoy freedom, explore new interests or reconnect with old passions. Use this time to strengthen your relationship with your spouse. Plan regular date nights, engage in deeper conversations, or tackle projects together. You can experience a renewed sense of companionship. Also, find different ways to connect with our adult children—they will be busy building careers and raising kids—but through shared activities, family gatherings, and regular check-ins (that you should initiate)—you can maintain your relationship with them.
Try to avoid those typical, “You never call or come by” statements. Those attempts at guilt only demoralize your kids and rarely produce positive time together.
So, dads, Quadrant 4 of fatherhood is a phase filled with both joy and challenge. By embracing the role of Father-Friend, after all you’ve done over all those years, we can continue to enjoy our adult children while also nurturing our own well-being in this season of life. This stage allows us to celebrate achievements, share wisdom, and embrace the new dynamics of family life.
Remember, your presence, encouragement, and love continue to shape your children’s lives. This is a time to foster connections and ensure that your legacy as a father lives on through the generations. It’s not just about being a dad; it’s about being a friend and a source of unwavering support as our children forge their paths in the world.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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