by Amy Ayers, LPC
Imagine your young daughter being picked on by the school bully and learning that she withdrew, secretly cried, and collected herself in the girls' bathroom between classes. She didn't tell even her closest friend about the hurt done to her. Your daughter would then question what it was about herself that people didn't like. “What’s wrong with me, and why am I always the one that kids are mean to?” Upon learning of the injustice done to her, you might make a quick, sharp call and set a meeting not only with your child’s teacher but also with the school’s principal and definitely the other child’s parent. At this meeting, consequences and punishments would be doled out, and apologies would be demanded.
Now, imagine your daughter being bullied and learning that she respectfully stood her ground. Instead, she asked the offender if she were ok and whether this girl knew how her words were hurting others. What is the difference between these two girls? One questions her identity when verbally attacked; the other confidently repels what’s hurled at her and gently gives it back to the offender, refusing to let it sink in and question who she knows she is.
Without question, we all would be proud to have a child who is able to stand confidently in the face of insult. So, the question is, how can I help create this confidence in my child?
A child’s belief in his or her self is dependent on whom their parents believe them to be, namely their father. For example, if you consistently leave interactions with your children believing they failed you or are not meeting your expectations, rest assured, your children are feeling the same about themselves. Validating your child, simply by noticing and engaging with them, can create a strong sense of identity within them. They will grow up believing the space they take up in their family is significant, worthy, and valuable. The way we feel about our children and how we show interest in them directly affects not only how they view themselves as individuals but also how they see themselves in relation to others and the world.
When a child feels seen, heard, and known by their father, they build confidence in themselves. Meeting children where they are and validating their experiences provides the ideal environment for them to grow up as self-assured children, believing in themselves simply because their father does.
Be the dad that slows down, quiets his own distractions and pours into the life of his child - your child’s identity depends on it.
Here are three key points to consider in cultivating a healthy identity in your child:
SEE your child: Does your face light up when she walks into the room? Do you ask him to tell you all about the goal he made at recess? When you come home at the end of the day, seek out your child and ask how his or her day was. What were the high and low points of their day?
HEAR your child: Do you listen when she talks about the friend who said hurtful things about her at school? Do you ask him what’s making him angry and how he knows he’s angry? Talk to your children about how they feel and really listen to what they say. Ask questions about their feelings and consider sharing a time when you’ve felt the same emotion and how you expressed that feeling.
KNOW your child: Can you look at your child and know what's going on with them internally? When your daughter is with friends, are you confident she can carry herself with grace? Seeking opportunities to engage with your child and asking them about their world creates a connection that can shape their heart and confidence.
To know your child is to love them. Being intentional with seeing, hearing and knowing our children, we can be confident they are entering their world each day believing they can face whatever comes their way because they KNOW their biggest fan loves them.
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