We all want our kids to do well in life, and it's easy to get caught up in the idea that this means pushing them to work harder. Today, nearly everything a child does feels like a competition—whether it's in school, sports, or the arts. To stand out, they have to go the extra mile.
But as parents, it can be tough to figure out when it's beneficial to push our kids and when it's better to back off. In the past, the answer was simple: pushing was always seen as good. The belief was that kids needed to learn to persevere to succeed, and no one said it would be easy.
Yet today, we're seeing more kids struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, or even health problems. Some shy away from challenges or choose to distract themselves with endless entertainment. So, are they not being pushed hard enough, or have they already been pushed too hard? It's a tough call for any parent.
I've witnessed many parents who are heavily invested in their child's success, especially in sports. With my sons playing basketball through high school and AAU, and my daughter cheering year-round both in school and competitively, I've had my own moments of pushing my kids. I also saw other parents, eager for their children to make the top teams, often blaming their child's lack of success on insufficient effort. Some of them pushed their kids even harder—sometimes too hard.
I've seen parents berating their child right after they stepped off the court, and even while they were still playing. Unfortunately, I've also seen many talented young players quit the moment they were old enough to have a say in the matter. This isn't just about sports; it's happening in many areas of children's lives today.
What we need to rethink is our understanding of perseverance and why kids endure through challenges to achieve. We often assume that when a child struggles, it's because they lack motivation. But sometimes, it's not a matter of motivation at all—it's about something deeper.
Sports, like all activities, should contribute to a child's overall well-being. This includes their physical, emotional, spiritual, and social health. As much as we might not want to admit it, there are times when an activity might not be good for our child; it might even be harmful. Sometimes, a child’s enjoyment of an activity fades, or it starts to negatively impact other parts of their life, like school, health, or mood.
I'm not saying competition is bad. In fact, I love how sports have helped all my kids develop self-discipline and confidence. Being part of a team offers countless benefits. My question is more about how we can help our kids pursue THEIR dreams in a way that also allows them to enjoy the process, rather than pushing kids to achieve OUR dreams of possessing high-achieving children. Being in touch with our motivation as parents is just as important as understanding the motivation of our child.
Psychologists tell us the difference lies between perseverance and compulsion. Perseverance comes from a genuine interest and desire to achieve a goal. Even when it's tough—when they're tired or frustrated—they choose to keep going because they want to. On the other hand, compulsion is something else entirely. It's driven by an internal force that makes them feel like they have no choice but to continue, even if it's not what they want.
Children often experience this kind of compulsion when they're constantly pushed by parents, teachers, or coaches. At some point, they might just stop caring and give up. The issue isn’t that the child isn’t motivated; it's that they’ve shifted from wanting to persevere to feeling compelled by external pressures.
This kind of compulsion can take a toll on a child’s well-being. When kids are pushed too hard or too often, it can lead them to associate overwhelming negative feelings with the activity, and with the ones pushing them. They may begin to feel inadequate and unaccepted even by the ones who love them most. Over time, they may start to hate something they once enjoyed.
As parents, it's important to recognize when a child is reaching their limit. If we push them too far, it could lead to burnout, and they might give up altogether. Instead of constantly pushing them to override their natural limit, we should help them find a state where they’re fully engaged in an activity because they genuinely enjoy it, not because they feel forced.
Practically for our family, this meant not allowing our kids to quit something that they started at the beginning of the year until the year’s end. At the end of each school year, they could decide on their own whether to continue. Believe me, when you see potential in your children and you know the benefits that could be theirs by pushing forward, it’s hard to leave that choice to them. But ironically, I found my kids were more motivated, had more fun and fulfillment, and achieved even greater success when I let go. It took me a while to learn to do this, but I’m so glad now that I did.
So, getting kids to undertake things that are difficult for them teaches them grit and adaptability while also broadening their worldview — whether it’s participating in sports, attending a summer camp, or engaging in a new social situation. Pushing kids too far, on the other hand, can cause them to withdraw, get resentful, be motivated by fear of failure, and develop even more worry about attempting new things. It can be tough to know how much parental pressure is good for kids and when you should ease up.
The key, as you well know, is balance. We need to help our kids understand their own limits and encourage them to push themselves when it's appropriate. But we also need to know when to step back and let them take a break. This is an art and if you can master it, it can become your superpower as a dad. The goal isn’t just to make them successful at any cost; it’s to ensure they still love what they’re doing at the end of it as much as they did at the beginning. It's also about enjoying the process of pursuing something and not just the achievement- that joy is found in hard work, not only trophies. It's about our kids knowing the meaning of true success.
Here are some diagnostic questions for you to consider as to whether activities are about your child's potential or parental pushing:
Is pushing my child in this activity about my dream or theirs?
Overall, is my child enjoying themselves and loving this activity?
Do I see that fear is motivating my child to continue and if so, is this something for them to overcome or is it becoming detrimental to their emotional well-being and sense of self?
Would I be OK with my child not doing this activity anymore? If not, why?
Is my child intrinsically motivated to do this activity (their inner joy, sense of fulfillment, desire for teamwork, a personal challenge to overcome, etc.) or extrinsically motivated (popularity, acceptance, pressure, need for approval from an authority figure)?
Have I asked my child, “Is this something you really want to continue to do?” Or better yet, have I told them, “You know, it’s really OK with me if you choose not to do this. I love you and you’re a great kid whether you do this or not.”
As parents, our job isn't to push our kids to the brink but to guide them towards finding joy in what they do. By doing so, we help them not only achieve success, but also experience true happiness and fulfillment in whatever path they choose in life.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
Commentaires