In a recent study conducted by OnePoll in conjunction with the Crayola Experience*, researchers examined the parental dilemmas facing respondents. There are some interesting findings:
67% of parents worry about missing special moments while their little ones are still young
40% admit they’ve already missed at least one important milestone in their child’s life.
78% wish they had more time to spend with their kids
82% of the parents studied feel their children are simply growing up too quickly.
Regrets can be difficult to overcome, but with courage and wisdom can better be avoided in the first place. Many people can relate to that feeling of emptiness coupled with a touch of frustration. Your mind races through alternate scenarios you could have taken where different decisions could have led to more favorable outcomes.
While some regrets may be minor and easily forgotten, there are others that linger. These enduring regrets become significant "sliding door" moments, where you can vividly imagine a better narrative for your life.
It's crucial to reflect on these lasting regrets because they often trace back to major life decisions. We have control over these decisions, providing an opportunity to potentially sidestep the most significant regrets with courage and intention. But what decisions are we most likely to regret, and what motivates these feelings?
It’s a chilling and sobering subject to consider, but a way that we can learn about life’s biggest regrets is to listen to those who make confessions of regret when dying.
Perhaps the most well-known chronicle of such confessions is by Bronnie Ware, an Australian palliative caregiver who wrote a book called "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying". In it, she describes the five most common wishes she heard from her soon-to-depart clients.
I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. Adhering to cultural norms at the expense of your own passions will result in disappointment and bitterness.
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. Time is non-refundable so if you spend it working, then you can’t spend it doing more meaningful things.
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. It is only by being open and honest about your thoughts and feelings can you form genuine bonds with other people.
I wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends. It is dispiriting to be disconnected from those who truly understand you and accept you as you are.
I wish I had let myself be happier. The expectations and opinions of others should not prevent you from being happy with who you are. Moreover, happiness can be found in the journey, not just the destination, which you often never reach.
WHAT LEADS TO REGRET?
When researching psychological studies, I found a number of things that increase the likelihood that a decision will lead to regret.
Feelings of regret in the long-term are more likely for decisions involving inaction; that is, choosing not to do something (Gilovich & Medvec, 1994)—for example, that overseas job you never took, that person you never had the courage to ask out, or that event of your child you chose not to attend that was more significant than you thought. This kind of regret is enhanced by our imagination, which compares the real world with visions of the choices that should have been made. You can never know how things would have turned out, but our minds can easily paint a rosy picture.
Decisions that lead to negative outcomes often result in more significant regret; especially when justifying those choices afterward becomes challenging (Connolly & Zeelenberg, 2002). Some decisions are made hastily, without seeking input from others or fully considering the potential consequences. When these choices don't pan out well, it's common to feel a sense of remorse about the missed opportunity to do things differently.
Regrets frequently stem from decisions that pull you further away from your ideal self (Davidai & Gilovich, 2018). Your desired self is rooted in your values, reflecting what matters most to you. People may prioritize power, conformity, or security. However, decisions that compromise your more important core values expose you to the risk of experiencing regret.
SEVERAL IMPORTANT LESSONS EMERGE FROM THESE STUDIES:
The most lasting regrets often center around relationships.
Since humans have a biological need for belonging, decisions that jeopardize this sense of connection carry significant risks. Therefore, it's essential to nurture your relationships. As a dad, your wife and kids are at the center of the most important relationships of your life. Don’t compromise your family.
Regrets arise from decisions that are challenging to justify in hindsight.
Similar to above, to minimize regrets it's crucial to make decisions that align with your personal life values. Determining now what is most important to you allows you to stay true to those values. It’s been said— “it’s easier to say no when there is a deeper yes within”. Even if outcomes are unfavorable, understanding why the decision made sense at the time provides a sense of integrity.
Regrets usually involve missed opportunities—perhaps due to fear or being too occupied with work.
Correcting your path in the present even after taking a wrong action is generally easier than attempting to go back and pursue opportunities you passed up. So, it's advisable to take risks and give things a try rather than regret not trying at all.
Taking action now can protect you from deep-seated regrets in the future. Dr. Howard Hendricks so aptly said, “The fear is not to fail, but to succeed at the wrong things.” Make sure dad you’re succeeding at what matters most.
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