Have you ever stopped to consider that the person your child becomes might not become who you hope for them to be —but rather who you are? This question challenges dads to think about the unintentional lessons they're teaching through their actions, behavior, and emotional responses, not just their words or intentions. It sets up the conversation around how fatherhood shapes children in ways that go beyond conscious parenting.
Fatherhood has a way of revealing some uncomfortable truths. One of the most unnerving realities about being a dad is that, whether you like it or not, you reproduce who you are, not necessarily what you hope your kids will become. It’s not just your advice or your rules that your children absorb—it’s you. They inherit your values, your insecurities, your strengths, your weaknesses, your ways of handling the world. That’s both humbling and, honestly, a little terrifying.
As dads, we often think about how we want to shape our children’s future—how we hope they’ll grow up to be successful, kind, strong, and confident. But the truth is, our influence doesn’t just work through our words or our ideals; it comes through in the way we live. What we do is just as important—if not more important—than what we say. And the way we show up in their lives matters deeply. Because we’re not just teaching them how to navigate the world; we’re teaching them how to live in it, how to feel in it, and how to be in it.
Reproducing Ourselves: The Unsettling Truth
The idea that “we reproduce who we are” means that if I’m insecure, chances are I’m creating an environment of insecurity in my home. If I’m emotionally unhealthy, my kids are more likely to grow up in an emotionally unhealthy environment. Angry dads tend to create angry and/or fearful kids. If I don’t take care of my own mental, spiritual and emotional well-being, I can’t expect my kids to learn how to do it either. What’s even scarier is that we can’t hide this from them. They see us. They absorb our energy. They feel the tension, the frustration, and the insecurity we bring to the table. But the good news is that when dad is self-aware and secure; when he can find strength to grow in character, then children absorb the positive security of joy, calm and resilience.
A child's emotional state will always be a reflection of the emotional environment in which they've grown up.
So as fathers, we have a responsibility to be emotionally healthy and self-aware because that’s how we create emotionally healthy homes. When we show up as emotionally secure individuals, we lay the foundation for our children to feel safe, loved, and capable of handling whatever life throws at them. On the flip side, when we’re consumed by our own fears, frustrations, and unhealed wounds, those things trickle down into the way we parent, the way we respond to our kids, and the way they see themselves.
I’ve realized that, more than anything, the most significant impact I can have on my children is to work on myself—to take ownership of my flaws, to admit when I’m wrong, to be vulnerable when I don’t have it all together, and to make the choice every day to be better by God's strength. Not just for them, but for myself. Because when I’m emotionally healthy, I create a home where they can grow, be themselves, and feel safe in doing so.
The Example of Service and Sacrifice
One of the most profound ways we can influence our children is through service and sacrifice. This isn’t about martyrdom or overextending ourselves in a way that hurts our well-being, but it’s about showing up consistently for our kids. It’s about making choices that prioritize their needs, even when it’s inconvenient or difficult. It’s about taking time out of our busy days to listen to them, to guide them, and to show them love not through what we give them, but through what we do for them.
I remember times when I’ve had to choose between my own comfort and my kids’ needs—whether it’s putting down my phone to really be present with them, sacrificing a little bit of my time to help with a school project, or simply being the emotional anchor when they’re upset. Every time I’ve chosen to serve them, it’s not just a moment of sacrifice—it’s an investment in their emotional security and their growth.
When I serve my kids, I teach them that love isn’t just about what we say, but about what we do. I show them that true leadership is about sacrifice—not for recognition, but because they’re worth it. And they learn that the best way to make a difference in the world is not through self-centeredness, but through lifting others up.
Authenticity, Credibility, and Character
But service and sacrifice alone aren’t enough. To truly influence our children through example, we need credibility. We need to live in alignment with the values we espouse. If I tell my kids to be kind, but they never see me being kind in real life, my words fall flat. If I tell them to work hard, but they never see me working hard, they’re not going to believe me. They’ll learn more from what I do than from what I say. And that’s where authenticity comes in.
I’ve had to confront my own shortcomings as a father. There are times when I’ve said things I regret, when I’ve acted in ways I’m not proud of, and when I’ve let my own stress affect the way I interact with my kids. But I’ve also learned that the most powerful thing I can do is own my mistakes and be real with my children. When I show them that I don’t have all the answers, but I’m doing my best to be a better person, I give them permission to make mistakes too. I teach them that authenticity isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being true to who you are and owning your growth.
Character—doing the right thing even when no one’s looking—is another cornerstone of example. If my kids see me making the tough calls in life, sticking to my values, and choosing integrity even when it’s hard, they’re more likely to do the same. They see that character isn’t just a list of rules; it’s a way of life.
Unconditional Love
Perhaps the most powerful form of influence in our example that we have as fathers is our decision to love unconditionally. Unconditional love doesn’t mean tolerating bad behavior or neglecting discipline—it means loving our children no matter what. It means showing them that their worth is not tied to their success or failure, that they are loved because of who they are, not because of what they do.
The Legacy of Fatherhood
As I look at my own children, I realize that the legacy I leave isn’t one of success or material wealth—it’s one of influence. It’s the everyday moments, the sacrifices, the authenticity, the love, and the example I sought to set. Fathers, more than anyone, have the power to transform their children, not by pushing them to conform to an ideal, but by being the best versions of themselves. In the end, our children don’t just become who we hope them to be—they become who we are. And that’s the greatest influence of all.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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