Being a teenager in today's world is uniquely difficult. You were there in your day— you remember the chaos of puberty—the physical changes, awkward social situations, and the constant search for “who you really are.” But as a dad, you can play a key role in helping your teen through this stormy period. In fact, research shows that dads have a unique and powerful influence on how teens develop a sense of identity.
What is Identity?
Identity is the way we see and understand ourselves. It’s a combination of our values, beliefs, and experiences that make us feel secure in who we are. Psychologist Erik Erikson, who studied identity development, said that the process of forming identity starts at birth but is especially important during adolescence, as teens begin to define themselves. They start asking questions like: “Who am I?” “Do I like who I am?” and “Am I secure in who I am?”
These questions are central to their growth, and dads can help guide their teens toward healthy answers. But it’s not always easy. The teenage years are a time of instability and confusion, and teens often struggle to answer these questions on their own.
How Dads Help Shape Their Teen's Identity
Dads have a unique role in helping teens answer these key questions. You can make a significant impact in three important areas:
1. Helping Them Know Who They Are
The first question your teen is asking is, “Do I know who I am?” This involves helping them understand their true self—their strengths, weaknesses, talents, and challenges. As a dad, you can guide them by being a positive role model, offering insights about their abilities, and encouraging their interests.
For example, take an active interest in their interests or talents. If they love music, sports, or art, support them in those areas. Talk about your own experiences and struggles growing up, and share how you discovered who you were. When your teen sees you reflecting on your own identity with confidence, they’re more likely to feel safe doing the same.
2. Helping Them Like Who They Are
Once your teen has a clearer sense of who they are, the next big question is, “Do I like who I am?” This is about self-worth. Teens need to feel good about themselves, but sometimes, self-doubt can creep in, especially if they’re comparing themselves to others. Your role as a dad is to help them build self-esteem and learn to appreciate their uniqueness.
Praise their efforts, not just their achievements. If they try something new—whether it’s a sport, a school project, or a social interaction—recognize their courage. Tell them what you admire about their personality, work ethic, or character. Help them understand that their value isn’t based on how they look or how others see them but on who they are at their core.
3. Helping Them Be Secure in Who They Are
The final question your teen is wrestling with is, “Am I secure in who I am?” This is about confidence and stability. A teen who feels secure in their identity is more likely to resist peer pressure, make independent decisions, and stay true to who they are and their values.
As a dad, you can create a stable environment where your teen feels supported and understood. This means setting clear boundaries, offering consistent encouragement, and being available when they need to talk. Be patient with their ups and downs, and make sure they know that their identity is not something that can be shaken by the latest trends or social pressures.
The Dads Who Make a Difference
The good news is that you can make a huge difference in the way your teen develops their sense of self. One study found that teens who felt emotionally supported by their fathers were more likely to have a strong sense of identity, feel secure in their relationships, and handle stress better. Dads can be a steady presence in their children’s lives, even in the midst of the emotional and social turbulence that comes with adolescence.
What Can Dads Do?
So, what can you do as a dad to help your teen navigate this challenging time? Here are a few practical tips:
Be Present and Available: Teens need you to be there for them, even when they push you away. Make time for them, whether it's for a quick chat or participating in activities they enjoy. A non-anxious presence from their dads in the midst of their ups and downs is critical.
Encourage Exploration: Give your teen the freedom to explore who they are without judgment. Support their interests and passions, and help them try new things.
Set Clear Expectations and Boundaries: While it’s important to support their independence, teens also need clear guidance. Set rules that help them feel secure and offer reasons for your decisions.
Be Honest and Open: Share your experiences, both the successes and the mistakes. Let them know you’ve struggled too and that it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them.
Celebrate Who They Are: Remind your teen of their unique strengths and qualities. Praise their efforts, not just their results. Help them see the value in who they are, not just what they achieve. Speak into their lives. Remember the motto: call a man brave and you help him become so. They will doubt themselves! Help them overcome the doubt by praising all the good you see, letting them know that perfection is unrealistic, that they shouldn’t compare themselves to others, and who they are is what you love.
Don’t Withdraw: One of the biggest mistakes dads make during this stage is pulling away emotionally. As teens go through the emotional rollercoaster of adolescence, they often push their parents away or become distant. This can confuse dads, who might then withdraw altogether, thinking their teen wants more space or independence. Don’t do that. There’s a big difference between holding your teen loosely—by listening more than directing, supporting more than controlling—and letting them go completely. They still need your steady presence. Your calm and consistent support is essential for them to feel secure, even if they don’t show it or ask for it. Stay engaged, even when they push back. Your involvement is critical to their sense of identity.
The Bottom Line
The teenage years are a time of uncertainty and change, but they’re also a critical period in shaping a teen’s sense of self. Dads have an incredible opportunity to help their kids answer the important identity questions: "Do I know who I am?" "Do I like who I am?" and "Am I secure in who I am?" When you support your teen’s search for identity with love, encouragement, and consistency, you give them the best foundation for a healthy, confident future.
By being a steady, positive influence, you can help your teen navigate the chaos of adolescence and come out the other side with a clear, confident sense of who they are. Your involvement matters. Be the calm in their storm.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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