Let me tell you about one 7-year-old baseball player whose integrity landed him in the pages of Sports Illustrated a few years ago.
At a T-ball game in Wellington, Fla., first baseman Tanner Munsey, 7, fielded a ground ball and tried to tag a runner going from first base to second. The umpire, Laura Benson, called the runner out, but Tanner immediately approached her and said, "Ma'am, I didn't tag the runner." Benson awarded the runner second base and Tanner's coach gave him the game ball for his honesty.
In a game two weeks later, with Benson again umpiring and Tanner playing shortstop, a similar play occurred. This time Benson thought Tanner had missed the tag on a runner going to third, and she called the runner safe. Tanner glanced at Benson and, without saying a word, flipped the ball to the catcher and returned to his position. Benson sensed something was wrong. "Did you tag the runner?" she asked Tanner.
"Yes," he replied.
Benson then called the runner out. The opposing coaches protested until she explained what had happened two weeks earlier. Says Benson, "If a kid is that honest, I have to give it to him. T-ball is supposed to be for the kids."[i]
In a world often characterized by skepticism about trusting leaders, it’s nice to be reminded of the simple truth from a 7 year old: integrity builds trust. When people speak honesty to us, act in integrity, and behave according to stated values, we trust them.
Over the years, research into relationships of any kind consistently reveals the pivotal role of integrity as the linchpin principle for building influence and trust. This is particularly crucial in the context of fatherly influence. It can be categorically stated that the most effective, long-term influence of a father depends upon their integrity, that is, the father’s character as perceived by his children.
What is integrity?
People often confuse honesty with integrity. There is a subtle difference. Etymologically, integrity means “wholeness” coming from the Latin integritatem. Derivatives of the word include integer (whole numbers) and integrated where parts are combined into a whole.
The ancient concept is found in the Hebrew word “tamiym” (תָּמִים) and there are two images of its use. In one instance it refers to a piece of clay that is shaped and molded by a potter. If the clay lacks tamiym it is inconsistent or contains a flaw. When the clay is fired in the oven it hardens in the shape of a pot, but when pressure is brought to bear upon it, as when filled with water, the inconsistent vessel breaks under stress. What a great metaphor! People without integrity crack under stress.
The word was also used commonly in the Jewish scriptures to describe the physical health required in animals for sacrifice. They were to be “without blemish”. This word was given a moral connotation in the Old Testament (see Deut. 18:13). “Tamiym” then carries the meaning of "finished", "complete”, "whole”, “wholehearted”, “true-hearted” or maybe better stated “without inconsistency”.
Both of these images teach us that while honesty is a part of integrity, integrity is better defined as wholeness, congruence and not lacking consistency.
Words, Actions, Values
There are three part of our lives: words (what we say), actions (what we do) and values (the things we believe). For a dad to earn trust in relationship to his kids, he should seek consistency between the three. That leads to some potent questions to ask ourselves:
In our words: do we speak what we believe and act upon what we say? Do our words match our values and actions? Or, said another way: do we say things that we do not believe and that we do not plan to do? This, my friend, is lying.
In our actions: Are our actions consistent with our words and with our believes/values? Do we act upon what we speak and what we value, or do we say things that we sincerely believe and plan to do, but do not follow through? This is the sin of sincerity: for example, a dad who sincerely believes their family is important (who values family), and says to their children that they will be present at important events in their lives, but then consistently does not follow through and show up. This father was sincere, but still lacked integrity with his children. It is better to not make a promise, than to make one and not follow through. It’s not enough to be sincere. We must have the courage and discipline to follow through. That’s how we build integrity.
In our values: do we express in word and deed the things that we believe in our hearts are important? Or, do we betray ourselves and our values with our words and actions- that is, saying or doing things that are inconsistent with our deepest held values? If we value something, but never express that value in word or deed, do we indeed value it? Is it only a proclaimed value, but not a practiced one?
So, the greater congruence between our words, actions and values, the greater degree of integrity we possess and the greater potential we hold for impacting our children. Why? Because we are believed and trusted by our children. Want to increase your influence? Increase the degree of your integrity.
I'd love to hear your biggest takeaway, questions or comments. Please email me!
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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[i] “Scorecard.” Sports Illustrated. Edited by Craig Neff. Accessed 11 October 2010 at http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1068563/3/index.htm
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