In response to a recent Gallup Youth Survey*, 78% of teens said that there is another adult (not including mom or dad) in whom they can completely trust and confide; 21% said there isn't. Boys and girls, younger and older teens, and teens in different regions of the country all answered this question similarly. "If a child knows something is missing in their lives, they are drawn to a coach, a teacher, or someone who can give that to them," says Chuck Cooper, the chief executive officer of Big Brothers Big Sisters of the Midlands.
Though difficult to overcome and while teens naturally distance themselves emotionally from parents, I believe dads with young children can begin now to earn their child's trust. It starts early. Holding your child's hand as they cross the street; catching them as they dare to jump into the pool; keeping them balanced as they learn to ride their bike... these are the moments when a child forms a basic bond of trust with dad. If you have a child from the age of birth through age 6, the matter of trust is critically important and should be a primary focus of your work as a father. This dynamic sets the stage for many of other positive interactions in the future and form a framework for how your kids will view you for life answering the question, "Can dad be trusted?"
The Father Friend model outlines four phases of fatherhood (designated as quadrants) that assign primary roles fathers must play in each phase of a child’s development. Children feeling safe and secure is critically important in Q1 (children ages 0-6). In this phase, they are forming subconscious ideas about life’s general stability and security, and that of their home. A child’s basic needs of safety and security must be met before other needs can be and for other types of development to occur (research Maslow’s, Hierarchy of Needs to understand more). Since at this phase children are dependent beings, for them to feel safe they must also trust someone to provide security and stability for them.
By their strength and confidence, dads can uniquely speak into a child’s early life by letting them know that though the world at times is unsafe and unstable, they are safe and secure with you. In this sense, dads are figures of strength, courage and protection. Daddy can be trusted. To the degree you reinforce these images for your child, the more stability they will feel.
If you’re a leader in any form, you know that trust is earned not bestowed. Here are a few examples of how dads earn the trust of their kids in Q1:
Dads become trusted by being truth-tellers
One thing your children must learn in Q1 is that you are a man of your word. If you say something, it must be true and accurate. Children need to see their dads as believable and credible in that their words, actions and values align. This begins at the earliest of years for your child. If you say you are going to do something, then do it. If you say something will happen, make sure it does. If you tell your child you will be home for dinner, be home for dinner. If you tell your child you will read them a story before bedtime, then by all means, read them a story before bedtime. It is better not to make a promise, than to make one and break it. Don’t just quickly read this and move on— this is critical, dad! Make sure from the time they are babies that your children see you as a person of truth upon whom they can count.
Dads become trusted by predicting consequences accurately.
Similar to truth-telling, when a dad says that something will happen and it actually occurs, he builds trust. Predicting consequences accurately involves statements as simple as “Jump off the couch, daddy will catch you.” and then of course catching them if they jump. You said something will happen, and it did. Earning trust this way is also found in statements like “If you do ____________, then ______________ will happen.” This could include consequences that flow from discipline due to a child’s disobedience (“If you don’t sit down, you will get a time-out”). Or, natural consequences like “If you eat that, it will be yucky.” Or, “If you pick up your toys, you can have a snack.” To the degree that what a father says actually comes true, is the degree a child trusts him. Alternatively, if a dad constantly says something will come to pass and it doesn’t, he loses trust from his kids.
Dads become trusted by protecting children from harm.
The father as protector is an iconic image of fatherhood. Every dad is “big and strong” in their child’s eyes and children should know that their daddy is there to protect them. Whether clasping their little one's hand while crossing the street or shielding them from the neighbor's overzealous dog, “I will not let anything hurt you” is the message a child needs from his or her father.
This, as with all things fatherly, must be kept in balance because life sometimes hurts and kids need to learn how to handle it when it does— even at this stage. Moreover, not all pain is to be avoided because it is often redemptive and produces good. They won’t fully comprehend this fact at this age, but if you attempt to shield them from all pain and hardship in Q1, they will not embrace the role it plays later in Q2, Q3 and Q4.
One way this balance plays out is by exchanges of risks and rewards that fathers lead their children through. A dad prompts his son or daughter to risk standing up, trying to walk, riding a tricycle or bike, jumping into a pool, etc... this allows the child to learn that what they gained in the achievement of the act (confidence, courage, skills) was greater than the risk involved— even if the risk results in a minorly skinned knee or a small bruise. The trust that dad has earned here is that just as he promised, the reward was worth the risk. Here, success is that they tried and that even trying is worth the risk.
But there is a difference between children experiencing periodic hurt like described above and them being wounded. While it should go without saying, a father must guard his children from emotional, psychological and physical wounds. This applies to the father-child relationship as well. While dads are “big” and should be respected, they should not be scary and invoke fright within their kids. Yelling at your children, belittling them with your words, being unpredictable in response to them, intimidating them physically or inappropriately spanking them, etc... all these embed fear in your child and work against you being seen as their protector. Instead, you become a threat. If any of these are tendencies you have, DEAL WITH THEM before you wound your children for years to come.
I'd love to hear your biggest takeaway, questions or comments. Please email me! I read and respond to every email.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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