Our concept and model of Father Friend sets the compelling goal before men that by the time their kids reach young adulthood, they have become their children's father friend. We also provide ways to get there (see Father Friend Model). However, when I introduce the idea of the father-friend to others, I typically receive one of two responses. The first is a question: “Should I really even attempt to be a father and a friend to my child? I mean, why are you stating both?" My answer is absolutely, yes, you should make this goal and it's important to state both father and friend, but there are four essentials to understand—
You have to set aside traditional ideas of the terms “father” and “friend” and begin to define them accurately (see below).
You have to combine the terms into one concept without separating them in your mind. Both bring meaning to the other and should not be disconnected.
You have to embrace the fact that being a father-friend is not something that happens overnight. Good fathering is a marathon, not a sprint. It means a process of becoming something with your children and growing yourself. It takes time. It’s not instant.
You have to grasp that being your child’s father-friend looks different at different phases of fatherhood. Your actions and attitudes as a dad in the early years should be distinctly different than when your kids are in high school or college. In our Father Friend model you will learn that you harm your children and undermine your relationship with them if you don’t understand the key beliefs and behaviors you must embrace at different phases of fathering.
So yes, you can be a father and friend to your children, but you must accurately define what the terms mean, conceptually combine the words, engage in a long-range process to see it come about, and learn how the concept applies at different stages of fatherhood.
The second response I get when I talk to men about the father-friend relationship is a strong assertion. Dads will say to me: “I’m not interested in trying to be my child’s friend. I’m their father not their friend!” I understand the heart of that sentiment. I’m not asking you to simply be their friend. I’m asking you to be their father-friend... and I’ll explain more about that in just a moment.
Often such statements like these are in response to seeing other fathers acting exclusively to be their child’s buddy and pal. Frustrated onlookers witness kids in the world who are father-deprived in that they have dads who are spineless when it comes to leading them. They see dads obsessed with their children liking them, but not all that concerned with their children respecting them. Their children lack regard for others and the ability to control themselves. They blatantly disobey their parents (and others in authority), throw fits, act inappropriately in public, destroy and steal property, etc... while observers shake their heads and say, “Why doesn’t that child’s father do something?” I understand. When I see such things I have those thoughts myself.
Yet, the concepts of the dad as father and the dad as friend are not mutually exclusive. You’ve got to embrace the paradox of the father-friend concept by understanding first that the experience of being a father who’s a friend and a friend who’s a father is absolutely possible. Both concepts inform and empower the other.
If we define the terms accurately, the paradox is resolved. A father, after all, is a person who is more than an authority figure who generates an income for a family’s food and shelter. The concept means one who influences and directs his children as protector, provider and guide. As fathers we are to lead our children, but it is leadership not void of compassion, sacrifice or service. Fathers are authority figures, but if the relationship to their children is relegated only to title and authority over them, then dads are not fulfilling the great opportunity they have to impact their children through their role. They are not leading them, but seeking to control them. This is not being a “father” in the proper sense of the term.
Likewise, a friend is a person who supports you through thick and thin. One who is a companion and confidant— but also, a true friend, the right kind of friend, speaks truth to you even when you don’t want to hear it. He or she loves you, but at the same time does not enable your harmful behaviors and rotten attitudes. Friends don’t just accept you as you are. They help you become better than you are.
So, when we connect these two words together we find a concept in “father-friend” that informs what being a dad is all about. One that provides a balance between authority and affection, leading and loving, correction and compassion. This explanation I offer should not even be necessary. We should already know that a father means being a supporter and comforter, and that being a friend means speaking truth in love and challenging errant behavior. In fact, I would say that a friend is not a friend who doesn’t correct us when we need it. I would also argue that a father is not a father who only bosses his children. Those are perversions of the concepts and narrow ways of understanding them, not the highest meanings of these two beautiful words.
Here's one more reply I offer to these perplexed dads who want fathers to step up and lead: just as there is a deficit of fathers acting responsibly as they should— i.e., with assertive leadership and direction of their children— there is also a deficit of dads acting relationally toward their children, i.e. as their advocate, confidant, and mentor. Emotionally distant fathers may inflict significant harm as well.
So, the calling is to do both. The father-friend paradox is not a problem to solve, but a tension to manage. We need to think in terms of giving both at the same time— not being a father at one moment and a friend at another. This means that we need the kind of mature thinking that defies an “either-or” mindset and embraces the “both-and”.
Here's my definition of the father-friend: A father-friend is a dad who leads his children responsibly and loves his children relationally, and whose every action is motivated by courageous love for his kids. We at Father Friend seek to equip and inspire every dad to be their child's father-friend. Make this your goal as a dad and your experience will be rewarding and joyful... and your fathering will be effective in transforming the lives of your kids, and rewarding for you.
I'd love to hear your biggest takeaway, questions or comments. Please contact me! I read and respond to every email.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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