As a father, one of the most challenging moments you may face is when your young, unwed daughter announces that she is pregnant. The shock, the confusion, the immediate flood of emotions—it’s a moment that can leave both of you grappling with uncertainty. While this is undeniably a heavy burden to carry. How you respond and support is critically important. If the matter of abortion is in question, it is also a time for you to guide your daughter toward a decision that honors the sanctity of both her life and the life of the child she is carrying.
It’s important to remember that your role in this moment is not just to communicate your beliefs, but to provide a foundation of support, love, and guidance. You’re not only helping your daughter make a choice about her future, but also helping her navigate one of the most significant decisions she will ever make. This requires a delicate balance of compassion, clarity, and courage.
Step 1: Stay Calm and Be Present
The first step in handling this situation is to maintain a calm and non-judgmental demeanor. The initial reaction may be filled with shock, frustration, or even anger, but these emotions need to be set aside to create space for a more thoughtful, patient, and compassionate conversation.
Your daughter is likely feeling a whirlwind of emotions herself—fear, guilt, confusion, and perhaps shame. In this moment, what she needs most is to feel heard and supported, not judged. Let her speak openly about her fears and concerns, and make it clear that you are there for her no matter what. Your role is not to reprimand her, but to help her process the situation and see the possibilities before her.
Step 2: Affirm Her Value and Dignity
One of the most important things you can do as a father is to reaffirm your daughter’s worth as a person. Pregnancy—especially an unplanned one—can make a young woman feel as though she’s lost control of her life or that her future is now uncertain. It can be easy to slip into a mindset of failure or inadequacy, but this is not the message she should receive from you.
Remind her that she is not defined by her mistakes, but by her potential, her character, and her ability to overcome challenges. That God has a plan through all of this– that beautiful things can come from difficulties— and that the value of a human being—whether a mother or a child—doesn’t depend on circumstances. Encourage her to see that this pregnancy doesn’t diminish her value or define her future, but that with support, she can move forward in a way that reflects her true strength and dignity.
Step 3: Present the Life-Affirming Perspective
Once you’ve affirmed her value and given her space to express her feelings, it’s time to discuss the life she is carrying. She should be reminded that life begins at conception, and that every life—regardless of its stage of development—has intrinsic value. It's important that your daughter understands that the child she is carrying is not a “problem” to be discarded, but a human being with a future, potential, and worth.
While it’s important not to overwhelm her with rhetoric or theology, if she is considering abortion, this conversation should include when life begins and the emotional, psychological, and physical consequences of abortion. Offer her clear and truthful information, but don’t force the conversation. Let her process it at her own pace. Discuss the option of choosing life for her baby, and how both of your lives can still have meaning and purpose, even in the face of this unexpected situation.
Step 4: Discuss the Practical Options
It's crucial to present practical options for what happens next. Your daughter may be feeling overwhelmed by the thought of becoming a mother at such a young age, and it’s important that she feels she is not alone in this process. You may not like it, but the decision on what to do is ultimately hers to make. However, you can provide the support she needs to make an informed choice.
Encouraging Education and a Bright Future
Encourage your daughter to continue her education, whether that’s finishing high school or pursuing a college degree. It’s natural for her to feel overwhelmed by the pregnancy, but the decision to bring a child into the world should not come at the cost of her future. You should remind her that she is not alone in this journey, and that there are many ways to continue her education and fulfill her potential, even with a baby on the way.
There are support systems in place for young mothers, from flexible school schedules to daycare options, and many colleges offer resources like parenting support programs or child care assistance. If your daughter is open to it, you can help her explore these options. Encourage her to talk to school counselors, professors, or advisers about ways to stay on track with her education while balancing motherhood. The goal is not to force her to choose between her child and her education, but to empower her to pursue both—because she can.
As a father, your role is to be a guide and a protector, reminding her that the decision to continue her education will provide her with long-term stability and independence. By encouraging her to finish school, you are helping her build a strong foundation for both herself and her child. Help her feel that, despite the challenges, her dreams and goals are still achievable.
Here are some practical options to present to her:
Option 1: Raising the Child Together
One of the most powerful and rewarding options you can present is the idea of raising the child together. Depending on your daughter’s age and maturity level, this could mean that you and your wife (if applicable) help raise the child, or it could mean offering your daughter the full support and resources she needs to raise the child on her own. Either way, she should know that you are willing to help guide her through the challenges ahead.
Discuss what it would look like for her to continue her education, pursue her career goals, and still be a loving, present mother. Help her understand that while motherhood can be difficult, it’s also an incredibly rewarding experience. By choosing life for the child, she may find new strength, purpose, and resilience she never thought she had. And, importantly, you will be there to support her, whether emotionally, financially, or practically, throughout the journey.
Option 2: Adoption
If raising the child isn’t an option your daughter feels prepared for, adoption may be a loving and life-affirming choice. Adoption can be a difficult decision for any young woman to make, but it is one that honors the life of the child and provides a future where they can grow up with a loving family who is ready and able to care for them. There are literally hundreds of families seeking to adopt.
Help your daughter understand that adoption is not giving up on her child, but offering that child a future and a family that can give them the life she may not feel able to provide at this time. Be sure to explain the different types of adoption (open, semi-open, closed) and allow her to explore what feels most comfortable to her. Knowing that she has the ability to choose the family that will raise her child can be a powerful and healing aspect of the adoption process.
Step 5: Offer Continued Support
In either of the options your daughter chooses, it’s crucial that she knows she will not be abandoned in the process. The challenges ahead will be difficult, but with a strong support system, she can move forward with confidence and hope. Reaffirm that your love and support for her—and for the child—will never waver.
Step 6: Respect Her Decision, but Keep the Lines of Communication Open
As a father, you may feel strongly about guiding your daughter toward a pro-life decision, but it’s also important while doing so to respect her autonomy and give her the space to make her own choice. This can be incredibly difficult, especially when you know that the decision she makes could have lifelong implications. Above all, remind her that she is not alone and that, no matter what, you will be there for her every step of the way.
Helping your daughter navigate the pregnancy and make the right decision is not an easy task, but it is an opportunity to show her the strength of family, love, and faith. Your connection with her can actually deepen through this trial. By remaining calm, compassionate, and clear about the options available to her—whether it’s raising the child together or considering adoption—you can guide her toward a decision that honors both her life and the life of the child she is carrying.
This is such an important topic. If you're a father who's been in this situation, maybe you have some advice to offer? I'd love to hear it. Please email me with comments, insights and/or questions.
Mike Ayers, Ph.D.
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